I've always defended Quebec when it came to their unique educational system, but looking back, I think C.E.G.E.P may have majorly fucked me up the ass without me taking notice until this very moment. C.E.G.E.P is the equivalent of Community Colleges in the United States, except they are required in order to enter university. The neat thing about these institutions is that students graduate high school one year earlier than the rest of North America (five post elementary years) in order to do something more "serious"(picking a program). Students are removed from the strict highschool grounds and put into a laid-back college environment without the disgustingly obese fees. Also, since a D.E.C (the diploma required to enter university in Quebec) takes two years, any undergraduate program for a Quebec resident is one year shorter. Doesn't that sound wonderful? It did, when I started C.E.G.E.P two years ago, blinded by the excitement of making my own schedule and smoking weed on the premises. The truth is it is an advantage to most people, but most people are not passionless unstable nutcases like myself. My first reaction to my failure in school was to blame my age. Having skipped one year of school, I started C.E.G.E.P at sixteen. My argument was that it is too early to ask a sixteen year old which road she wants to take, but honestly, that is an excuse. And a poor one in my case. To my surprise, there were a few other sixteen year old's starting out, just like myself. As much as I don't want to admit it, I think I wasn't ready to leave high school. Although I ached for the freedom, I wasn't responsible enough to have it, and continued to need the structure that high school provided. I did well during my first semester, barely passed my second, and in my third I was finally reduced to leaving because of psychological reasons. And now, I am suppose to return this fall, leaving behind my dream of visiting Greece and living in a monastery, as I originally planned. I am terrified of returning. First of all, I have begun to despise my program and the people in it, but don't care enough to switch out since there is only a year left. Secondly, I don't have the strength to be a good student anymore. I don't have the self discipline, either. I love learning, and I do feel the need to expand my knowledge, but I have a feeling that no program can ever satisfy that. This thirst prefers experience rather than text readings. My last and most important problem is that I do not have a passion, I go through an identity crisis every week or so, and have absolutely no idea what to do with myself or my future. I've recently managed to comfort most of my identity problems. There was this study conducted and included in the book The Tipping Point. The purpose of it was to prove how context and setting can make minor to major changes in personalities. I have always been one to give a different part of me to different persons. Although most see the quiet, reserve person I am, there are few who know me as the complete opposite. Others who know me as manic, switching from one pole to another in less than a second. I thought my extreme behavior was partially because I am a Libra and partially due my emotional instability. But lately, I noticed something else factored into my behavior. Certain people brought a different kind of "me" out. These people were often grouped together and were not related to the others in my life. For example, my coworkers know me as hard-working, good with people and fast, while my family members think of me as lazy and socially-retarded. Anyways, the experiment was to take about 25 men (I think) that were classified as "stable, good, healthy men" and place them into a pseudo prison. Some were assigned to be guards while others were the prisoners. After a few days, the guards, who would have normally been generous, loving men, began to bully and mistreat the prisoners. And vice versa. Prisoners and guards had all turned on each other. The reason for this occurring was the lighting and general gloomy surroundings of the prison affecting their mood and changing who they were. The Power of Context chapters in that book basically proved to me that no one really has a fixed set of traits, they are always altering to suit where and with you are. Although this study did soften the edges to the identity questions that have been poking me in the back of the head, another major problem remains. I am absolutely passionless and talentless. I mean I got skillzzz and all, but I am just pretty mediocre in everything that I consider a pastime. Yes, I draw, speak three and half languages, and can probably analyze you better than your psychologist can. But do I really care about these things? No. Did I put any effort in anyone of these things. No, they just happened. One thing I would certainly do in my life is help people. Something, I think, that might just be a characteristic of a Libra.( And, yes, I strongly do believe in astrology). No matter how cynical I am about the human race sometimes, it hurts to see people suffer even those who most would argue deserve it. I just do not think that school is necessary in order to help others. I could join Amnesty International, volunteer in third world countries and fuck everything else. Yet, I cannot erase my mother's words from my head. They are permanently stamped there and will haunt me forever. And the scariest part is at times, I believe I can never obtain my goals without some sort of degree to show off, too. I don't really know how to put an end to this dilemma of mine, or even this rant. I know that I will continue to try and follow a set of track lines that will never bring me close to where I want to be. And I will knowingly continue to follow those lines and purposely try to fail. If I can break those barriers that constrict me to this mundane life, maybe one day I'll feel content. But for now, I'll continue to smoke what I smoke, drink what I drink, push myself to please a menopausal Greek woman, and hope that I'll find something I can disguise as a talent or passion.