in a way that was not perverse, a customer lets me know that he comes back, day after day, only to see me smile while i serve him. my coworker tells me that the tips have been better ever since i started working. she says i give out positive vibes. there are many things that factored in my mental breakdown this fall and the depression i went through in 2007. work, lack of a social life, then developing social anxiety, drug abuse, sobriety, bulimia, fights with siblings and parents and not being able to cope with any of the above problems. fleeing and denying are my two favorite defense mechanisms. they protect my obese ego, but put me in a dangerous situation. out of fear, i ran away from love when it was the only thing i had. i looked for happiness but refused to go through the long and healthy way. instead i took a shortcut and turned to the bottle and retail therapy. numbly telling myself i was satisfied. a part of me began to believe it, as well. i would write in my journal, enumerate all my small and insignificant accomplishments (they were nothing to be proud of) and convince myself of a feeling that did not exist. i wanted to brag and brag, to no one else but myself. time and time again, i tripped over that wire-thin line that separates enlightenment from carelessness. i could safely say that today, i am content. i write with the sole purpose of advising the cristina of the future. warning her. letting her know of the mistakes she made and the ones she did not. reminding her to beware of certain bereavements, but to also take some risks in order to avoid a structured and boring life. to make the most out of this, whatever it may be. - babe, there's nothing I'd like more, right now, than to be your wife.