Vices hide behind the irises of my jaundiced eyes. Ones I proudly locked in my mind. Oh, time for confessions. Four diaries, and in each one, I play a new role. I am terrified of developing multi personality disorder. Tick, tock. It's been a while you've got insanity jitterbugging with your soul. It's too late? Perhaps. I speak out loud in public, I burst into a loud maniacal laughter sometimes. Only sometimes. During the night, when I've grown tired of denying the cuckoo that sings such beautiful lullabies. Sedate me. And Hush. Fears will never be drained out of my system. I've washed away anger and pain, but these panic filled thoughts linger around. I never wanted to be loved by a man. In life that is all people search for, but I never wanted it. I was fascinated and enamored with my own my mind, and took the time to notice others only when my vagina yelled out. I was lustful but neglected myself anyways. My womanly body parts were never silenced. And then by a complete fluke, I met you. I still do not why I threw caution to the wind and went for it. The unfamiliarity of the experience had me trembling with terror. I wished, for the longest time, that our love would turn stale. Others turn to magazines and self help books in order to keep their relationships alive, fresh, to avoid it ever becoming stagnant and mundane. And here I was, on my knees, praying to a God I don't even believe to, pleading for this feeling to go away. And while this was going on, I continued the persistent search for myself. I know that I have a character and personality, but a zit has characteristics as well. It is greasy, dirty and usually reddened. Adjectives were not what I searched for. There was something more to it. Something I knew was burrowed inside of me, something that was tangible, something I could grasp, and was accessible to my knowledge. I am still looking for my answers, but a good part of the missing puzzle was letting myself be loved by another, and loving that same person equally and unconditionally. I can't change who I am and insanity will constantly present itself in my life. Fear is never completely drained out of my system, but I found my long term drug. The only one who can provide the merest drop of comfort to sustain me. I realized how drastically the tone has changed in this entry, from loony to calm and somewhat coherent. I started this entry out of boredom --my worst and most intolerable enemy-- and aggravation for the lack of lucidity in my life, and here I end it feeling absolutely tranquilized with the simple thought of one being.