my virginity a year ago. guess what? i'm engaged! really. in a matter of an hour, i broke up with him, made love to him and proposed. we're planning on eloping (ha, oxymoron) sometime this summer. during our road trip across the country. until then, he'll be saving to buy a ring. i told him i don't need one, but he insists. i think it would crush his ego if he felt he couldn't propose the "traditional" way, but we're not big on traditions, so i don't see the point. oh well, i'll let him, i'll finally have something luxurious. this is really unlike me. i opposed marriage for a long time, and never understood how it lured and appealed to so many young adults. but after my first year with ryan, i knew i would be with him the rest of my life. i tried to deny it, but that made life difficult. so i accepted it and decided to make it official. you might be wondering how this will work since i broke up with him moments before i proposed. i didn't really break up with him. i suggested we pause our relationship because i was in shock by something he had confessed an hour prior. this is my typical reaction to honesty. in the five minutes that we were "broken up", i saw flashes of my life without him and it scared me, that led up to the proposal. i have never been so sure about anything in my life. i do not depend on ryan completely. i am not needy or obsessive, life just makes sense when he is around. i love him, and will fight for him with all my remaining strength. in his presence, i am sedated and tranquilized in a way no drug can ever make me feel. i have not been this happy in a really long time. i feel it and i can boast about it all day. - edit- i have done jack shit all day, but i am still floating high, above the clutter in my room and the stack of to-do-lists on my desk. hm, it is upsetting that i do not have anything to show for these feelings. productivity and creativity, i am patiently awaiting your return. i need to make that line between carelessness and joy more visible.