although it does not have my fixed attention, i am still eying it. i notice it jerk, toss and turn in its elmo blanket. and i cannot understand how something that moves so abruptly and sharply can also be so delicate and fragile. new borns have absolutely no fluidity. they develop it while they mature into toddlers. their actions become slightly more gracious and coordinated. i am certain that, for some reason, i completely skipped that part while i was growing up. my motions are spasmodic, i twitch constantly and am a huge klutz. i walk strangely, drag my feet and i'll trip over anything. i move without charm or elegance. i wish that was the end of it, but it seems that in my head, my thoughts travel in a similar fashion. they stumble and trip over one an other. they yell loudly. they clumsily tango with each other and create a scrambled mess up there. the only way to decipher a thought from another is to say it out loud (to myself) or to write it down. my head ain't no place to think, so i'll write until i've run out of ink. [enters rant] i am sick of it, though. sick of the way my thoughts are formulated. i am sick of constructing false situations in which i place myself. tired of fantasizing and dreaming of something more exciting. and sick of my thoughts that never move forward. tired of thinking so one dimensionally. i exhaust myself. tired of this silly obsession with scribbling everything down. i want to think of anything else other than myself, and consequently write about other things, as well. and i absolutely despise this need to vent, and having a things-that-make-me-sick list. i am also, tired of being such a bitch. and it's with this nauseating feeling, that i decided that no matter what kind of funk i find myself in this summer, i will travel, anyways. i really ache for the experience and independence. i want to plan it as i go, and to be spontaneous. i feel that it might help quench my insatiable thirst for knowledge, and will also, help me grow into something more graceful (i don't know why associate wisdom with grace). i absolutely refuse to barricade myself.