i feel like i'm existing at only half of my potential. i'm waiting for someone to come along and arouse that other half of me into action. i've been waiting for a while. no one has stepped forward. that's a lie... people have stepped forward, and i have sent them back down. why? because they're not who i'm looking for, although it may well be that i'm just sabotaging myself. it may well be that i'm not letting myself fall for these people because i'm afraid that if i do fall for them, i'll have to step outside my comfort zone and change. and i'm too insecure and self-concious and afraid to do that. i'm waiting for a life-changing miracle in the form of a teenage boy. how dumb am i? it's amazing how easy it is to fall for someone without knowing them. it's also amazing how easy it is to turn off feelings when they're inconvenient or frightening. it's so easy to hope, to be optimistic... but it's not real. thing won't change as long as i don't change and at this point i don't care enough. what does it matter? i'm gone in matter of months. and i'll never see any of them again. it's funny that that thought makes me sad, when that's been their job for almost four years. tell me what you think, if anyone even reads this.