it's time for some teenage girl catharsis. we laid around in our pajamas all day today 'cause he was sick. is sick. whatever. i guess i'm just upset because the ideas i had are falling to pieces, nay, exploding, all around me, and there's nothing i can do about it. awesome. he was perfect. is perfect. gah, i was looking at him today, and he's just so gorgeous. and when we were snuggling, and i was wrapped around him, he just felt so good in my arms, holding me tight. oh goodness, you torture me so. and yet, i'm more than willing to let you. why? because i guess i'm not over thinking that you and i should be something more than this. but maybe i'm just a silly little girl, clinging to false hopes and swooning over internet promises from a keyboard thousands of miles away. he called me amorcita. you can't do that if you don't mean it. don't pretend out of habit. that's not fair. i just wanted something to work. i wanted something concrete that i could hold on to, even if it's not you personally. i need the idea that someone loves me. i need the idea that i am loved, because i'm a still a bit of a wreck. inside. i have built a fairly large castle of sand, and on a foundation so shaky that i'm surprised it's taken this long to fall to pieces. this is what happens to castles on clouds. they fall through. and sometimes planes they smash up in the sky. and sometimes lonely hearts, they just get lonelier.