ever have one of those days where you just want to sit in your room with the door closed, music on loud, and just mope? even when you know you should probably go outside at some point, and that there's a whole bright world out there for you to find yourself in, it's somehow more attractive to sit in on my bed, dozing, snacking, watching mindless tv, and thinking. thinking about how i should probably not be snacking, then reaching for another coke. thinking about how i should call someone, then calling them, and leaving a message at the beep. thinking about how i should do something with my life, and falling asleep. some days are up and some days are down. it's amazing how i can go a whole day with minimal human contact and not miss it. i barely talk to my father anymore. he has no idea who i am and what i do. i'm my mother's child... and he has his sons to connect with. all he knows is that he hates my music, that i dance, and that he's suspicious of my friends. i wish there was something to talk about, but it always ends up as awkward silences. he travels a lot for business reasons, and sometimes i have no idea what city he's in. sometimes i don't even know he's not here. and somehow, he still thinks of me as his little girl... he is the number one opponent of me going out of state because he's afraid i'll move away forever and we'll never see each other. i never see you now! why do you need to have me here where there's nothing for me but what i have been for 17 wasted years? i'd like a second chance... but who knows if it'll happen. there are so many things i'd like a second chance at... god, high school... me... all the things i could've fucking been if i had had the balls to just step out of my fucking shell and be myself... it makes me want to vomit. there are so many things i wish i could do, i wish i was, i wish i knew, i wish i had experienced... and now i'm preparing to leave all these missed chances behind, and just forget about them. but i don't know if i can do that. that's gonna be hell, having to really let go. sometimes i wish that i had a talent, a thing, a muse, so that i could just forget about everything and fully enjoy living wholly for something else. it's a lot of pressure on you when you've got nothing else.