i segregate myself and then i wonder why i feel so alone

i thought i had a handle on this but i really really don't

a week ago i had my life together and now i am looping back around in this endless awful feedback and i can't break it, and i can't figure out why i feel this way other than i always kind of vaguely feel this way

this is the problem with being friends with people who are better than you. eventually, and always, you are afraid that they will figure out that they are better than you. they are smarter and kinder and people like them more and people should like them more because you're kind of a bitch with no real redeeming qualities

i know that's not true. feels true.

i feel broken down and tired. i feel like i can't catch up and i feel like i can't compete. i feel like i have to compete and i feel like i'm going to lose.

i feel like this is everything i want and i would be happy with this and i'm not. i won't be. i don't know what i want anymore but i want it to be big, i want to love it, i'm afraid to love it, i'm afraid to love anything.