jesus fucking christ

i know it's so fucking stupid but jesus fucking christ it hurts too

like

i get it okay

i'm not a fucking idiot i'm just also apparently not capable of being a rational fucking adult about this and growing up and leaving it well enough alone and tying too much of myself into this one stuid thing i get it this is not how real people live and it turns out i am just petty and selfish and awful as the rest of them i get it

i just

why not with me?

it's so stupid

this is so stupid and i know it's stupid and that makes it worse but like

why not with me?

this is so fucking stupid and i hate myself for it

maybe i need a break.

maybe i just want someone to miss me when i'm gone i don't know. i feel like nobody would notice and that's so fucking stupid and small and petty. who gives a fuck.

it's 3 AM, do you know where your ability to deal with anything like a fucking adult has gone?