another year, another update. i should remember to do all my vague blogging here instead of on twitter or tumblr, except if i do that, then i don't have the satisfaction of you seeing it.

i can't believe the only closure i needed was to know that you still think of me. the satisfaction of that is sweeter, because i don't think about you. sometimes, maybe, but so much less than i did last year. i don't even miss you. time does heal all wounds, i guess, even if it takes more time than i think it should. you still think about me, enough to check my tumblr once a week for the last year.

what were you looking for? what were you hoping to see? did you send her every post that you thought was about you? what's it like, being unable to move on and be an adult? what's it like still feeling so petty when you were the one who dumped me? cannot relate, and thank fuck for that. you're going to live in your parents house for the rest of your life, not because circumstance forced you (i think you could be something if you were able to commit to anything) but because the other options are too difficult. it's too hard to tell your parents you have a girlfriend. it would be too difficult to live together, even live in the same city. you are incapable of having an adult relationship because having an adult relationship means accepting that sometimes, you're wrong and you cannot have that.

i know i did some things wrong. not the things you think, of course, but i should've set better boundaries at the beginning. i just couldn't concieve that you would devolve so quickly into someone i didn't know and furthermore, didn't want to know. my mistake for giving you too much credit when everyone else around me could see the writing on the wall.

ah well.

i'm going back to school. i want a bachelors degree. i want a masters degree too, but right now i want a bachelors degree so i can apply for the jobs i know i can do. i want it to prove that i'm smart enough and hardworking enough and just overall enough. i can do it. i'm not stupid or lazy.

concerta was a gamechanger. knowing about adhd is a game changer. it doesn't fix everything (stares pointedly at the pile of plates on the table) but now that i know at least i can deal, you know? i can cut myself a break. i can come up with better strategies to handle it. i can think through and solve the problem, and i'm very good at problem solving. there is nobody better in a crisis than me either. i felt very alive when i had to help move the entire office out for corona in like 4 hours. i'm good at that.

sometimes i want to make friends with someone so bad that i forget how to be like. cool. like i'm not a cool person by any means, but i can at least usually hold a conversation but this bitch got me like....here let me scour pinterest for something funny to show you so i have an excuse to start a conversation. she writes better than you ever did. that might not be true but, you know, i'm a sucker for a complicated fake relationship.

the fun part did come back. it took time, and it will never be what it was with you, but you know what? what it was with you wasn't real either. not really. looking back, you left me hanging a lot, especially the last two years; at least with these people, i don't have the same expectations.

it's nice when someone likes your writing so much they specifically request you for something. i feel like...i don't know. something i haven't felt in a while. well-liked. i always know i have friends, and i love my friends, and i would never trade any of them for anything but sometimes a girl just wants to feel like...kind of popular? it's nice. feeling wanted. i forgot about it for a while.

anyways. my head hurts and i should go to sleep. i sleep easy these days (when i go to bed on time...quarantine got me fucked up).

~katja