Yeah, I'm thinking again. Last night, while I was brushing my teeth, I made an analogy for sex. Don't ask why I felt like I should make one, but I did. It was weird. Also don't ask why I thought of this while brushing my teeth. When I have time by myself, where I'm not talking to somebody, then I tend to think of really weird things. This is one of those times. So was last night. Anyways, I equated sex with getting a needle. Mostly because I make a huge deal about both (Have I ever told the infamous Grade 7 hepatitis B shot story? I should really tell that one, although it marks me as a total dork beyond what I thought was possible), although everybody else is just like "Yeah, whatever" They also both seem like they would hurt a lot, although in retrospect, needles aren't all that bad. Maybe sex isn't all that bad either? I dunno, I've never had it. I don't even know if I want to have it, but we won't go there again. I'm actually liking this "write everything that you can think of down" thing, because I think that I think about things far too much in my head. Is there a such thing as a good secret? I want to know, because some of the shit that I have done in my life is tres messed up, and having to explain that to the boyfriend...well, its complicated, and I don't really think it has a huge bearing on our relationship anyways, so is it okay just to not tell him? It's not huge, it's just about...ex-boyfriend(s?). Yeah, that might sound huge, but it's really, really not, because I have learned my lesson from that, a few times over, and I think I'm doing it right this time around. Or at least I hope I am. Am I doing it right? Maybe I should ask. Probably shouldn't ask. It would be really random. Brings me to another question. Should the boyfriend see the blog? Because, I mean if you read this thing, you basically get "what" i am, in 8-point, red font. Its like essence of Katie or something, so maybe it would be a good idea? But then, we haven't been dating for a year yet even. Feels like a lot longer, but nope, only 6-7 months(I don't know, however many from August. Is it bad that I don't remember our anniversary? Takes pressure off him though, because he doesn't have to remember either) and is that just giving too much of myself away? I mean like, I don't want to give him everything, at least not right now, because what happens if we break up, God forbid? Then he has everything, and I've told him everything, and he could really just run away with all this information and...well, that would not be cool. Mystery in the relationship, I think is the theme here, is it a good thing, or a bad thing? I think it's a good thing, I don't want to know everything...or, rather, I don't want to tell everything, because I don't understand a lot of what I do, or what I say, or how I act, my mind has a weird thought process. But then again...Maybe it would help? Maybe it wouldn't, and it might bring up a lot of questions and I really don't like questions that are brought up because of this blog. This is me, pouring my heart out here, just don't question it, for the sake of my sanity. It's not very nice, either. Or at least not in my mind. I think I'm doing this to avoid homework. And I just realized I've been typing with my head on an angle. Like, resting on my shoulder kind of angle. That's really weird. Hm. I don't think I'll show him. Not yet anyways, maybe when I go away on Vacation, and he has a week without me to absorb it or something. I remember the xanga fiasco. I think I'm afraid of him judging me, which would make sense because I'm always afraid of people judding me. Like today, at co-op, I had to vaccum, and it was really, really, really loud, and I felt like everybody was staring at me, although they probably weren't, because they had way more important things to do. If anything, they probably wondered why the damn thing was so loud, not why is that girl making so much noise. I wonder if the guy thought it was weird that I waited for his call to be over to start the thing up. Is that weird? I was trying to be considerate, but I don't really know these people, so is that weird? I think I'm being weird. I also think that writing this much in an online blog that people read is weird. Maybe I should stop pouring my strange little heart out to everybody I meet. I just like telling my life story to random strangers, I like sharign stories and expierienecs, because I feel like it validates me for some reason. Like, I try to work in the fact that I went to France three years ago into every conversation possible, because I want people to comment, and go "oh, that's cool" and then, once they do that, it will be cool. Until I meet the next person, and I have to have myself, and my activities validated by them too. Its weird what goes on in my head. I can tell everything to a stranger, but when it gets to friends and family, I choke up, and I keep parts of me and my life hidden. Why? I think I'm afraid of being judged. Actually, I know I'm afraid of being judged. I'm always afraid of that. I feel totally confident until something goes wrong, or I look in a mirror and realize my hair does NOT look sexy, but rather like a rats nest, and then I try and hide it, but its too late, because everybodys already seen me walk around like I'm the shit or something, when really, my hair is like a rats nest. That's not cool people, I really wish I could stop doing it. I try the whole confidence thing, but I don't know how well it really works. Is anybody really confident? I don't think so. The people who say they aren't afraid of being judged ARE afraid of being judged, but in a different way. They say they don't care, but they do care that their reputation is established as if they don't care. Everybody cares, its a fact of life. Some people are just better at hiding it than others. And now, I'm going to go be a loser, and be lonely around TNG until somebody, preferably the boyfriend -- because guess who all my characters are involved with? -- so I can justify sitting in front of this computer all day. Well, I can't really justify it, but it makes me feel better. Ciao. ~Katja