so it's just gonna be like this forever huh

almost a year and here i am reduced to tears again. at least it's not because i miss you like that because i don't but i miss my friend. i miss the person who took care of me when i was sick and i miss the person who would watch the same movies and have the same opinions and i miss the person who would read something and tell me who i would write and i miss. us. i miss being someone's favourite thing.

i miss writing with you. i know you don't miss writing with me. i know you don't miss me because you have someone new.

i hate that she changed you and i hate that you changed. i hate that i spent a year and a half looking for someone who wasn't there, maybe never was there and certainly wouldn't continue to be there after i made it clear that i needed to get something out of this too.

the problem is that there is nobody else. there will never be somebody else. i cannot fathom how i can love like that again and so i won't and i know that everyone says you don't love the same way twice but i just don't know how else to do it. i never loved somebody like that before and you took that and you told me it wasn't good enough and now it's broken and i've put it back together but it's smaller and colder.

nothing is fun anymore. nothing is going to reach those heights again and so i might as well give up but i don't know how to. i don't know how to write alone anymore. i don't know how to throw something out into the void and not have it come back, new and improved and better than anything i could have done by myself.

i'm tired. i miss my friends. i'm tired of everyone new i meet being awful in some way. supposedly there's good people still out there but i don't know how to meet them.

this all is because i looked at my pinterest board for a character and thought about them too hard and started crying so i guess i haven't gotten over having fiction instead of emotions.

i just don't understand how to meet people and i get so. frustrated. because my friends want to complain about how hard tinder is and then i'm like yeah now cut that population into a fifth of what it is, add a ton of distance and fucking go from there. it's impossible.

i hate that i can't leave this stupid fucking city because everyone i love is here but i won't find anybody to love here because it's dead and rotting. why would anyone move here.

i'm tired and frustrated and my heart won't stop hurting. your cunt of a new girlfriend would tell me to get over it and understand that you're not my business anymore and i fucking know that and i hate her. i can't wait until you break up because i hate her. i still don't want you to be happy without me, and i want you to miss me. i want to be friends again and i know we can't be.

whatever. my tooth hurts. i turned 28 and my body started to fall apart. i hope the doctor will give me some fucking adderall so i can function. i'm tired of being tired.