okay and now here is the thing and it is that i am tired

i am very, very tired. i am constantly exhausted, not in a physical way, but mentally. i am drained. i am done. i have to move on, and i know i have to move on, but it is so fucking hard, it is so difficult to reach out and take a chance at grasping that straw.

i don't know what i want because every time it gets hard, i stop wanting it. and it will always get hard. and i know this. but my other options are to carry on like this, in perpetuity.

literally, on this track, my greatest ambition can be to get married so that, with a two income home, i can actually afford to move out. that's it.

there's not enough room in there for me, i need space to grow and expand and breathe, i have wings so wide i don't even know how far i can go and i need to find out.

but i have to take that step.

and that step is scary.

and i am so, so tired.