same old same old

i osicllate wildly between having everything under control and in the downward spiral

i'm starting to think that everyone is a little bit like this. shame, since i didn't want to be like anyone at all.

i don't know what i want, but i do know what i don't want, and it is this. i don't want to live at home forever, i don't want to work at this job forever, i want to do something

but the going gets tough and i am not tough enough to get going, so i change my mind. oscillation. indecision. i stay where the worlds aren't real so i don't have to be in the real world. sometimes i wonder if i'm doing anything at all with my life, if i'm ever going to go anywhere.

maybe i'm not supposed to go anywhere. all i want is to be here, but i want here to be somewhere else and so i just don't move instead, like that's some kind of option.

i guess it is. it's the one i took anyways.

i wish i could think of something i love enough to want to wake up and do it every day but the truth is that's not true, is it? it's not just about love. nothing is. love is not enough, and it never will be, because some days you have to wake up and put the elbow grease into it, some mornings you have to wake up and hate yourself and the thing is that momentum is easier to carry forward than anything else.

i know that.

i'm going to have to change my own momentum but it's hard and it's scary and life keeps giving me chances to not, chances to stay here and never get outside my comfort zone. i want to; i don't know how.

i'm afraid that i'm not the best friend anyone's ever had.

i'm afraid that nobody is going to love me like i want someone to love me and if that comes to pass, i'm afraid it will break me.

i'm afraid that i'm in love with you. love-love. not the right kind. can you be in love with your best friend? how do i say i don't want to be around anybody but you?

i feel like i might feel too much and you might not feel the same. of course you don't. i'm afraid i need everyone more than they need me and, i think, i'm afraid nobody will miss me when i'm gone.

i'm most afraid of that, i think.

i want people to know me but i don't know how.

anyways.

i think i feel better for the writing of it. i usually do. time to take a long car ride and cry and that's it i'll be cured.

right?