god sometimes it's just heavy and far and out of reach and unthinkable that you would ever love me like i love you

i don't think that anyone can, truth be told, but some nights its harder to carry than others

i want you and i want a life and i want to be happy and i want to make you happy (that's not how this works, that's never how this works) and all i can think about is how to do it and all i can think about is how it won't happen

it's safer as a dream as something i tell myself at night as something that i take to bed with me and leave there when i wake up because i can't lose it. i can't stitch myself back together after that there is no after that and i know people say things like this and i know it's melodramatic but i can't remember what life was like without you and i have no interest in finding out again in the future.

you should be here with me, and you should stay with me, and we should be happy together because that's the only way i know how to be happy sometimes. not because of you, but god, because you give me a place to start at the very least.