alrighty, i think i have to write this down, because my memory is severely untrustworthy. ok, so, i have issues with my ex-boyfriend. i kind of, sort of, still obsess over him. ANYWAYS the other day, monday perhaps, chris called me and told me get over to kevin's. so, i did. when i got there, it was a party! wow. i was uncomfortable, to say the least. chris apparantly likes me, and kept trying to hug me and snuggle, but i would have none of that. i kept running away and trying to start a conversation with this girl stacy, but we have nothing to talk about. that is why i was thankful when zach and alex showed up. but then, alex started attacking me, as usual. he and chris tickle-tortured me. kevin didn't really help at all, but i didn't really expect him to. so it goes without saying, i was more than a bit peeved. i tried calling amy, to make an excuse to run away. i didn't leave, because chris said he had something to tell me, and i wanted to find out what it was. however, amy got really pissed that i was calling her that late at night. arg. it was infuriating. then, as i was fuming to myself and trying to avoid being smacked in the ass by zack, alex and i actually conversed. he was telling me that everyone thinks that i'm a smoker and boozhound, which is absolutely absurd. he also "noticed that i was angry" (durrr) and wanted to know why. i didn't want to say that it was because i still hadn't gotten over him, so i made up some lame-ass excuse about my parents showering my bro w/ money and forcing me to get a job, and amy being mad, and the whole chris thing. so after that, the evening continued as normal, with the belligerent fools going crazy and me trying to duck out of the way. then, it was time to leave. i tried to get kevin to tell me what chris was keeping secret, but him and his damn treachery, he wouldn't give. when i was finally about going home, alex jumped ontop of my car, scaring the crap out of me. i screamed i hate you, because i was beginning to see how much of an asshole he really was. and i also screamed why do you hate me? what did i ever do to you? he said to drive him home so that we could resolve the hatred issue. so he got in my car, stacy and i honked at each other for a while, i nearly killed us, and we ended up in some parking lot bitching at each other. he asked me why i hated him. i said i didn't hate him, i just thought he was an asshole. he asked why. (!!!) i said perhaps it was because he was torturing me and being incredibly mean. he said who do i not do that to? no one! you're just taking it personally! i said that normal people do not treat each other that way. he said well i am special. i can't remember what was said after that, but then he got on the subject of how i bitch too much. how i think that everyone is out to get me, how i'm always jealous of someone somewhere doing something or getting something better than me, and i was always whining about how other people were acting. i said i only bitch to you because i have nothing else to talk to you about. we don't really have anything in common. he said what are you talking about? we have lots in common! we're both cynical, sarcastic, share a huge group of friends, we're both completely out of our minds, we both like obscure music (e.g. garbage) we both like insane cartoon characters, and something else i can't remember. i said something in my defense about not bitching a lot anyway, and then he went off about how i like being angry and depressed, how it's shown in my character since he's known me. hoooo boy. he could not have said anything more infuriating. he knows NOTHING about my character, because i always act differently around him than i do when i'm with other people. always. since we've met. anyway, he said that i am angry and depressed and feel sorry for myself and a whole bunch of other insulting things. i starting driving him to his house after that, but i almost side-swiped a parked car, so i gave the wheel over to him. in one last attempt to defend myself, i said that he couldn't make assumptions about me, that i was a crazy person, and crazy persons have many layers and are very complex. he said (while touching my chin, which was very bizzare) you just like to have people think you are crazy. and with that, we left. we had a relatively normal conversation then, about his breakup with elise, and friends and random crap. then i dropped him off at his house, and we were friends. then the next day, at charlotte's party, it was very very bad. kevin was there, and chris and charlotte, and mark and stacy, and alex and me. chris was being mean to me, probably because i rejected him (which i can understand). kevin was being very distant and quiet. mark and stacy were akward, and silent. and charlotte and alex were hanging ontop of each other. so basically, i was not feeling so good about that. and alex was being incredibly mean. saying very hurtful things to me. i finally decided that i wasn't going to put up with his asshole-ness any longer. i just didn't say anything, didn't look at him, and hoped to God that it would get better. why i didn't just leave, i don't know. so then, zach and josh showed up. and we all got tired of swimming, so we left charlotte's house and went to 7-11, where more insults were flung at me. and where kevin and char steamed up the back of zach's car. eeew. eeeeeeeww. so char went home with me, and we had fun driving around for an hour. we were trying to get kevin to tell us where mark lived so that we could go and stalk them. but alas, mark's mom would kill us if we went there, so char and i drove around until we got food at burger king, and then went to mark w.'s house, sat in the driveway and ate our food in the dark. fun, surprisingly enough then we went back to my house, and it was silent, since char and i really don't have anything to talk about. and that's it. but i kept thinking about how much of an ass alex was. i'm sure that he is a decent person on some occassions, but he is never that way to me. and i think that i've figured out why i am so fixated on him. sorta. i basically can't handle the fact that he never really liked me. i'm so selfish and conceited that it drives me crazy that i wasn't loved and adored. and who can blame him? why would he ever like someone who he thinks bitches too much, who is always angry and depressed, and is jealous of everyone she sees? not that i'm being self-pitying, no no no. i am not chronically angry or depressed, or bitchy, but i suppose he would think that way because i always freaked out around him and acted strangely. so it's no wonder that he never liked me much. i also figured out about what happened at the little make-out session we had at chris's party. we had just been talking about being friends, and he asked if i'd be okay being romantic with a friend. i said yes, because i was still head over heels. so then we were making out, and he thought nothing of it, since he thinks we're friends with benefits now. and then he kissed me when i dropped him off at home, and i got freaked out. then he reminded me that we had talked about being romantic. and that's when everything clicked. i'm an idiot, i know. so now i got my wish of knowing what he thinks of me. and what was going through his mind at the party. so now i am at rest, for the most part. there still is the nasty little problem of my obsession, but now that he's being so cruel, and my questions have been answered, i am on my way to recovery.