alright that is IT i have been feeling like a pile of fermenting garbage for the past week and a half, and i've come the conclusion that the only thing that will make me happy is God. so, on this the day of my 17th birthday, i'm starting a 45-day-long bible study with the discipleship book-thingy that my parents gave to me. i hope that it goes well, and i absorb something from it, as i seem to be unable to do in anything else. oh, and i told kevin that i liked him. just in case he didn't have enough to think about. and i feel horrible about it, but i'm not going to do anything. i love nick. i LOVE him. i would hate to hurt him once again! i would hate it. and then there's the lauren thing. apparantly we've "gotten back together" but it doesn't feel that way. i know i should be trying harder, but i also feel like she should too. she's got her life and everything all set up without me, i really feel like i shouldn't intrude. but i'm in shambles without her! i can truly count her as a real friend, or at least i used to. those are few and far between. i don't deserve her. i really don't. dear father, i need you, your strength my heart to mend - i want to fly higher every new day again is it wierd that i always think in song lyrics? is there no original thought in my head? what is wrong with me? neeerrrrrrr.....