i feel so strange. i know that feelings do not always dictate truth, or what is right, but there is something so dibilitating about sorrow that makes everything in the world seem to either weep with you or dance in spite of your sadness. it distorts how the world looks to you, how the world looks at you, and makes your only goal just to stop the pain. yesterday i had a horrible fight with my parents. i slammed the door to my room so hard that it broke. then, i had a nervous fit becuase i wouldn't be able to close my door all the way. i have an obsessive need to have the door to my room, or any room that i'm in, closed at all times. i feel really vulnerable and unsafe with it open, and in control and comfortable with it closed. i think that's just a side effect of being screamed at by my father always to keep the windows and front door closed, and to close the door as soon as possible in whatever room i'm entering. or it could be that after years and years of having to deal with my father's insanity, my only defense is to run away and shut myself off from everything ugly in my life. and now, after yesterday, i feel worse - but better - than i ever have after a fight with my parents. on one hand, i didn't retreat to the seclusion of my bedroom to mope through my depression. instead, i made myself usefull and did the laundry. so now, i am not completely paralyzed by sorrow, even though my mind is consumed by it. on the other hand, in spite of my physical appearance of having bounced back, my spirit has never taken such a blow before. it's not even a cut deep enough to heal - it's like an untreated burn that hurts so deep that there is no remedy for it. i feel like my life is worthless, pointless, not worth the air i breathe. and i'm not even feel the pain of extreme sorrow - i feel like i don't even have a reason to be sad. there are those who live worse than i do, why should i have a right to complain? now i'm stuck in a limbo that i've never seen before - between contentedness and depression, waking and sleeping, sanity and madness. and i don't know how to escape it. i called kevin this morning to ask if i could take refuge at his house, but he was at gonzo's. that doesn't help any. i was thinking today, that the only thing that really makes me happy is people - anyone, really - and having fun with them, or just being with them, listening to their problems, or laughing at their jokes. just being with other people makes me feel better. but there is no one to be with. i hate to sound like a broken record, but it is my biggest problem - or so it seems. i'm also really confused about my decision to stop dating. i don't know, it just seems that it's such a simple thing to give up, and something that i think would make me fell so much better. on the same token, given my past experiences, if i look to other people to give my fulfillment, i'll just wind up dissappointed. God is the only one who i set my life on now, but it feels now that either i've forsaken Him or there just is no hope for me. i've perverted every chance he's given me, so why even bother trying? i mean, forgiveness and repentance kind of implies repentance, doesn't it? so what happens if i keep on sinning? i know i can be redeemed again and again, but i'm sick of it! i am so tired of falling short of His expectations. i am so frustrated with myself, but there is nothing to fix the thing that causes my frustration. i can't be godly, it's not possible. why can't i just be done already?