i've realized a big thing about myself. i've realized that the reason I have a tendency to try and procrastinate and make choices that bring immediate gratification for a reason other than just being immature and lazy. in my life, i feel like i am helpless in getting the things i wish for or a chance at being happy. and the reason why i make the choices i do is because i feel like that way i can control whether or not i get the things i want. if i watch a movie instead of doing hw first or spend all my time with people, whether i like them or not, i have control over whether i am "happy" or "having fun," real or no. i took on this persona, whether it was blatantly obvious or no, that seemed (at least to some) that i was funny and strange and spontaneous and fun. or maybe i was trying to be, and ended up just irresponsible and loud. either way, it was a way of trying to control my happiness, my life. my drug is social acceptance, and my addiction is the opinion of others. in changing everything about my life to be accepted, by anyone really, i destroyed myself and my chance at the life that i really do want. i'm such a mess. tonight i was thinking that i would rather endure my past existance of depression and seclusion than the "fun"-loving reality that i built up for myself. but then i thought, why would i want either? i don't want to drown in a sea of self-pity like i did before, and i don't want to be someone that's not me just to be liked. why can't i just be myself? why can't i just forget about the number of people who say 'hi' to me in the halls, or realize that simply because i'm not the most popular, life doesn't have to suck? i don't know how i'm going to do it, but i will and i must. i know this is incredibly cliche, but it's painfully true. i want to live honestly.