i started a joke which started the whole world crying oh but i didn't see that the joke was on me no no i started to cry which started the whole world laughing oh if id only seen that the joke was on me well i dont know how to feel right now so i figure that if i just start writing i'll figure something out, i think - but i guess we'll find out. it's interesting have an online diary. i got addicted to the thought of other people paying attention to my inner thoughts, and i've seen that some people actually make friends this way, and i wanted to, too. but you know what, that was just another attempt at atteniton. i recently reaized my ife is not the grand shindig that i thought it was. i'm sure there are many people who think i'm a loser, which i am used to and i don't really care, but then others who think i'm a burnout, and i hate to think that. i am not. i hang out with people hwo are though, and it's been bothering me a lot lately how they've been influencing me. but it's sooo hard to stop hanigng out with them. i mean, it's not even that i have so much fun with them, it's just nice to be accepted in a group like that. and i am someone who was always against cliques and thought they were inherently evil. but i know i have to slow down. i've been socializing literally since the end of last year. that has never happened to me before. i've always had TONS of down time to myself, and now i'm never home. EVER. but the times that i have had to myself have been the best in a while. i've been able to see at least a little more clearly what i want in life - and what i want is what God wants. I'm not sure if i'm doing this christianity thing right, i never am, but in everything i do, everything that i'm worried about, i stopped worrying. i KNOW that God has control, that whatever happens is part of what he wants for me. i know because i gave him control of my life. but then there are times when i forget about God. and i make choices that aren't the best. i know that God will forgive me, but i can't help thinking that i've permanently messed up God's path for me. that sounds a bit juvenile of me, but it's the way that i feel. i worry about this a lot. but then, i don't need to, do i? God will take care of that. he promised to. I want to live like he wants me to so badly. But everytime i think that, a feeling of inaction comes over me. it's like a kid in a toy store- there are so many things to do, that you end up not doing any of them. i want God to speak directly to me. not in the way that he normally does, but actually speak and tell me what to do. he knows what i'm doing, not me, so i want to hear his voice. but God doesn't work that way. i just keep praying to let him know that he has to be incredibly obvious with me. i won't understand subtle messages or signs, i need bright flashing arrows to neon marquees, or a dozens emails a day, or a message painted in red on my wall. i need guidance. soooo much. i pray for it always. will i be too blind to see it? to busy to notice? to proud to care? what will happen? i can't do anything myself. yet i dont know where the line is supposed to be, between my action and Gods. i want it to be all gods, but i keep thinking that it's myu life, i have to do something myself. i have to love other myself, to do god's will myself. but then there's the thought that we can't do anything ourselves, it's all from god. oh geez, i'm thinking in circles again. and i need to sleep. i am just so glad god will never give up on me.