4.50pm My great grandmother died this morning. The hospital phoned us they said around 20 minutes after she died, because they went in with her breakfast and she wasn't alive enough to eat it. I know, that's a crude way of putting it, but I'm not sure how else I can express this. My mum was really upset, understandably. I mean, I cried a little bit, but I feel really heartless. I always say that I never really knew her, but that isn't really true, because she's been living at my Nan's house for the majority of my life and the last 7 years or so I have spent half at my Nan's house. I'm not sure why I'm not close to her. Maybe the further apart the generations, the harder it is to communicate? I know that's not true really, but I want to excuse myself somehow, just to try and convince myself that I'm not entirely devoid of emotion. My Nan is away on holiday at the moment, somewhere in England though. We didn't know her hotel phone number, because they changed hotels last night, so we couldn't get hold of her this morning. I was being really selfish and hoping that I wasn't going to have to be the one to tell her that her mother had died. When I got home from school there was a message on the answerphone, and the hospital had phoned her. I hate hearing my Nan cry, I don't know what it's going to be like when she comes home and she's there in front of me. I've had a parent die, and I don't want to have to comfort her. I don't like grief. I feel so worthless and useless. They are coming straight home from their holiday now. Someone at school today asked me when the funeral was, and I was really confused. I hadn't contemplated that. I was just thinking about the weirdness of it all, that she isn't going to just be there. I took it for granted that she was sitting there, day after day, watching TV and calling out for painkillers. I didn't think about her being 96 and "close to the edge". I feel peaceful today, I think partly to do with the fact that I prayed for her last night and I kind of accepted the fact that she was going to die soon enough, and I asked God for her to be peaceful and for her to know that He is with her. She wasn't a Christian at all, but I still feel peaceful. The thought of my great grandmother not going to heaven should stir some great feelings in my gut, but it doesn't. That scares me, that I don't have any really strong emotions at the moment. Tonight I am going to Kirsty's for a nice long chat, which we haven't done in a very long time, and it will be refreshing to talk to her properly without all the other people on the bus interfering. If you read all of that, then I appreciate you and your patience.