10.40am I feel like I can't help anyone. Like I just have no way of giving anyone strength or of finding the answers for them. I'm not even particularly good at listening. I try and make it seem like I have a problem that's like it when I really don't. I have talked about this before. My problems are all because people I care about have problems. I used to wish that I had something to be upset for. But now I know and I thank God for the fact that I never want and have never had truly awful things to deal with in my life. Ok, so everyone will say that my dad dying is a truly awful thing, and yes, I feel horrible about that a lot of the time, but I am becoming, although it sounds heartless, numb to it. I have my friends, I have my family, and I can cope. I have people around me to remind me that living for the future is the best thing for me to do. I can't look back, I can't regret. I can grieve, that's normal. I just don't want to hate. There are baptisms on Sunday, and I'm having this really weird jealous feeling, like I want to be the only one getting baptised because then I'm special. But I'm also really pleased for the people who are getting baptised. They're all adults, and I guess I'm going to find out more about them when I hear their testimonies, but two of them have been in the church for years. In fact, one of those people annoys me more than a little bit, but he's always been quite nice to me so I don't see why I shouldn't be happy for him. The other person, the one who has only been at our church for a few months, is lovely. She's the mother of one of the boys I look after in sunday school and she's just really lovely. I wish I could make everything better for everyone. I know I can't, but some people who have problems just don't deserve them. And then other total morons get the best lives ever and pretty much nothing goes wrong for them, and they are always really happy. Why is that? I get jealous too easily. I'm getting jealous over someone I don't even like that much anymore. And probably over something that I'm just convincing myself is happening as well. Plus I'm jealous about two people who obviously like each other, and I should really just leave them to be happy rather than try and hijack everything so I can be content they're not going/getting off with each other. And it just causes me to get really stressed about everything and with everyone. Maybe for self-preservation purposes I should just lock myself in my room and never come out. ----- Trying to stay strong but you're dragging me on says: "Today is the first day in a while I've just sat and been myself. Without the whirlwind of doing this and that and liking him and that. And I like myself. Which makes me cry, because I don't want to like what I am. Plus I am annoyed because I've been reading romances, and I don't want to be a hopeless romantic, but I really am." Acceptance is a fine thing.