I'm so disgusted with myself, and my surroundings, I don't know what I'm haning on to or if it's just laziness that keeps me around. The answers I have in my head don't have questions, I'm so empty. I don't know what to say, my knowledge of the world is so warped. How I see things are so warped. I am ugly, I am sick inside, I hate who I am, I need to smoke weed, so why don't I do it? :Because it's like medicating and I'm just the bad patient right now. I usually eat when I'm like this, when I feel like nothing. I'm convinced this isn't just my teen years, this is how I've always been, as a child, now whenever, and I am dying without reason. My unhappiness is so deep rooted I don't know how to be gone, what is there after I die. Oh man, I just figured it out, the reason why I wouldn't end it is because I'm smart, I don't beleive in god persay, a higher power yes... but then again someone with a fake ID has higher power. Did you know when I cry my face burns, it is so symbolic... I would explain but I don't want to. I think it's just the lotion I use on my face before I go to bed, it doesn't mix with the saline solution that goes pouring down my face everytime I think things through. No one understands me, no one will, no one understands anyone. I don't know how to take this, my back-up plan for life when I was... Oh, say eleven.... was that I would meet that "man" and he would know me with the deepest most profound understanding of the anotomy of my soul. If someone could just take this all away, if I could take this all away... but it wouldn't happen. Maybe I'm bipolar, but they have high's and low's and all I have are lows and lower low's and then the lows so low they reside in the pit of my stomach nestled next to my anxiety. I am so damaged, so mistaken in life, floating. I don't even care, I don't want any profession, I don't want anyone, no boy, no girl, no thing that could revive my happiness so I am the only one to blame, I will never come out of hibernation, this is how I like it, cold.... and away from the world with no nutrition, no means to survive but hanging on nonetheless.