I know what it feels like to pretend to fall in love. and I know what it feels like to become so passionate about someone nothing else matters... lines seem to melt together in blurry edges. And that real feeling is so insanely painful it cuts you in half and you are unable to see your other side, your sanely happy side, until that lovely burn dissipates. But then there's Brandon, and this is the first time I am not bored, or crazy... but I like him so much, not enough to where just saying his name hurts but the other kind of like him so much... ya know? Like when he calls it puts "that smile" on my face. I know he'll hurt me, I'm just waiting for him to tell me I'm horrible or for myself to get scared and push him away. He controls me, I cannot be mad at him, he's not the brightest bulb in the pack but all I want is for him to always be right. Hard to explain these feelings but some of these I recognize from falling in love, some from being in lust, and some from just mildly adoring a person... so you see my dilema. There is no clear cut explaination, all I know is that he will never be Kyle, I cannot have that feeling for him, but he is something more than a lot of other guys will ever mean to me. Okay lets explain another guy, his name will remain anonymous. I can't tell you why I like him... I think he may be closest to Happy Valley school attitude and therefore I am horribly magnitized to him. Like a moth to a light bulb, he is that light for me. Colectic, is that the word... quarky? Doesn't suit him... metrosexual. He is sensual though, if he slows down, I know that I could teach him how to be great in bed but I think that once he masters those skills he may be... "bye bye" to another girl because I gave him the tools he needed to bloom. I bet I could open him up. Do I take a leap and maybe think he likes me? I don't know. This is crazed and so petty and my eyes and head hurt. I want to see him. Torture him till he, well to be blunt, goes crazy. What if I accidentally make him fall in love with me like John? But I don't think he'd do that, I think that maybe he'd HURT me... what if he is closer than anyone but Kyle, Oh god, What if? that though makes me want to crawl in a whole. But it all comes back to Brandon, he will inevitably leave me because he knows that he has me (almost) tied around his pinky finger and he can manuever me like puppet. I am his fool. I can't believe it, of all people: Brandon. how insanely wrong but I have to tell ya baby you play a good game and you've won me over. g'night xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Jenna