my head is going to implode. i think. and god i've sat in this mess that i continually create for myself. it goes good good bad bad bad... to put it simply. but really what happens is boys or friends or family or i'm in trouble with the law again, well not really just a couple tickets. things go well for a while things are falling into place and even though i wouldn't consider myself exactly happy i am where i feel i should be... i guess. and then it goes down usually around winter, how bizarre. and i'm gone, i get depressed i gain weight from not moving and from the stress. and all this bullshit from years ago eats me away again... and the thing is? it happened during the summer but somehow winter always feels appropriate. i am in love with sadness... how glassy and raw it is. it's vulnerability is jaw-clenching. and i cringe within myself because my self loathing becomes a disease and we fall in love until i'm eaten away and when i awake from being delerious... i break into all the peices of the world and it seems like forever when i'm putting myself back together. the second i realize i have it good hell comes knocking and the cycle begins. i decided that any drug that doesn't come from the earth is bad... not from experience but jesus. acetone? later... love ya beth.