i'm afraid that it's too hard to be yourself... too risky to ask for what you want. and what if you get it? if you get what you hope for... what you need. it's not right if that happens... not true. the world must be off and i feel like it's raining and it's damp outside. and i have everything to think about and no comfort... Eric should be here if it's raining... it's only natural. and now i'm over that. What if all you want to do is party all the time. you don't care about anything. and when you hold me i swear there's something but when you're not in that vulnerable place for a split second i don't recognize you... i think i hate you when you're not true Randy. it must be me though really... "too afraid to get attached... i'm pushing you away" i didn't do that... and to you? who cares i barely know you i'm really just in love with falling in love... with truly caring for someone and i cannot for the life of me separate true feeling from fake... i can't see past the mask. it's all the same. and i tell myself no i didn't like brandon but am i lying to myself again... because i've pretended so many times to myself that it was real and maybe it was... and maybe it was one sided and i felt truly deeply for someone else. is that possible. could i have been wrong all this time. the anger resentment the crying the guilt stricken face when i look in the mirror, i don't even recognize me. i've just melted and i'm this bitter remedy for you to gauk at on the floor. one chance to clean me up and i'm constantly going down the wrong path. hating and loving the wrong people. wanting more but at the same time for it to all go away. so here's what i want. i will not second guess it whether it be real/realistic or whatever.(keep in mind I cant take back anything here) Eric= he takes my mind off stuff Doree=i need my best friend good grades=feeling accomplished? love= to balance me out affection, acceptance sincerity from life from everything that i have or would have. i need hope? and a couple more things for whomever... i know you don't really care... unless youre one of my many friends who READS THIS AND STILL DOESN'T LEAVE COMMENTS. i just wanted to be taken away, to that pretty place that no one can change when someone likes you. when they're cute. and i've fallen for so many lies... Brandon over and over again and i knew they were lies but i just wanted his warmth his everything, just him all around me. But Randy never lies, and for how stupid he is that is honest and good and shows maturity, he's not stupid he just doesn't have that much space in his heart... i don't know. then Eric, little lame fling that was.... okay so here's me asking him if he wants his shirt back and he says he wants me back... IN A TEXT MESSAGE... his nickname... Easy E, yeah should've been big neon flashing lights right there. I want you back... then he says nothing after that, its funny that he thinks he's got the player thing down real smooth. try to make me feel insecure, pretends he cares for a second then he doesn't talk to you for a while. i barely know him and he's already got a pattern how pathetic that i'm mesmerized by his body. i hate this myself, everything i just want to curl up and have faith.