I just want it to a mutual thing, actually not mutual, I just want it to go one way, but not my way. I sleep so much better next to him, I have no desires towards him though I'm so attached, I always just want to be in his presence and when I am I get nervous sometimes it feels like wonderful adrenaline. All too much to handle, I think sometimes I wish I never met him, but then to never experience these moments and his contributions to life. He's so iradic, so messy and undesirable, something like a cigarette, yeah, NEVER GOOD BUT YOU HAVE TO HAVE ONE. So he's the one, ya know, that's it, he's not nor will ever be what I truly wanted but he's the one, it's a swollen situation, me not wanting him but knowing he's all there is left before I drown myself. Knowing so much that he doesn't he feels ignorant in my embrace, ignorant to what is between us as am I. I don't know, he doesn't know but it's there and it hangs over our sleeping bodies like an anvil waiting.