The title of this entry has no significance, I just wanted to use the song. But anyway, I've been feeling horrible lately. I've been listenting to AFI obsessively because every song seems to describe how I feel. It's the only think keeping me sane. I feel like I have no friends and that I annoy the few people who may actually care, and that people think I'm silly and stupid. I feel so ugly and broken. I just want to stay in bed all the time because nothing else matters. I had to go shopping at Goody's (gag) today to get khakis (bigger gag) to wear on my trip. But surprisingly I found an oxford style shirt I can wear with my pinstripe pants and Jack Skellington tie, so that was great. After that we went to the japanese food place and I got some rice and soba noodles. Yum. Karen just got home. I wish she would stay away, it seems her only purpose in life is to annoy me. I just wish I could meet someone who understands me and doesn't pretend to listen while saying "yeah, mmhm, I know," etc. Someone who won't look at me like I'm some kind of ugly talking insect in a clown suit. Someone who likes the same things I do. People tell me "wait till you go to college. You'll find 'people like you' there." Maybe I don't want to wait two and a half more years to make a friend. But I guess I have no choice except to remain a loner untill I can get out of this hellhole. Beware, a whole lot of AFI lyrics are about to follow. A Single Second Oh my God! My God this can't be happening! God tell me, tell me this isn't real! i can't believe all that I have foreseen is finally happening. I cannot for a single second stand the way I feel. I always knew. I always saw it coming. Enveloped now, encased by my worst fear. I've never felt the nausea of longing to feel nothing, I never wanted to cease to exist, just disappear. Fear memories are all that lie ahead. Never have I felt so lost. Memories dull my senses. Fear tragedy is all that lies ahead. Never have I felt so dead. Once felt so warm, no I'm fucking freezing. Ii am the once embraced abandoned one. I raised my eyes up to the light in hopes of finding healing; no relief was mine, I was burnt, by the sun. The Devil Loves You Do you understand what I'm trying to say? Have you ever felt? Have you ever felt this way? Tainted with rage you can't drain away or it will cost you your life. I couldn't care more. Do you ever absorb what shouldn't be touched? Have you ever cared? Ever cared this much? Do you think it is I who is out of touch, or are you too scared to think at all? I couldn't care more. As your friends fall does it tear your heart? Do tears fill your eyes as your world falls apart? Do you notice at all, or are you sailing sublime? Am I completely alone? Fishbowl I'm here today, just like every yesterday. Heavy heat, and sheets stick to my skin. Can't get away from nothingness. I try to get up, but I have to give in to the force that is keeping me down. I overcome gravity, I look outside. A cat cries out, trapped upon a window sill, but is crying's drowned out by my screaming inside. What will it take? I wonder what it's like exposed outside, would I be safe? When will it break. Try to look out, I see reflection I just want to break. Sirens moan. They're forever crying... someone's probably dying. The sound sticks inside my head. Talk to myself, I'm company, but who is to say if nothing if said? Two windows stare back at me. Three stories high nothing is new. I may sit, but someday I'll stand. I'll muster up the will and fire myself through. Exsanguination Welcome the whole new pain and take comfort in what you've become. I waved as I passed myself along the way. I have arrived so unashamed but my reflection no longer seems the same. It seems much dimmer now... it seems so dim. Just stumble and fall into a world that's over crowded. And you will find me. Won't recognize me; and I won't recognize myself. I've arrived so unashamed, but all my senses no longer seem the same. I can sense everything. My sight's so clear. In an instant,, my life just slipped away, I fought for life, the whole time you were holding me down. You watched me dying. Holding me down, you brought my rebirth. Narrative Of Soul Against Soul To the wounded: I have seen the self image they've forced you to reduce to shattered glass, with the only remaining value lying in its jagged edges. But the few who warrant waking for await their recognition. No fear of death but with fear of life, your weakness kills everyone. So live. Angels for everyone. For no lack of searching I can't seem to find one. Angels in everyone. What of all their promises? Can't seem to find much more than lies. Angels in anyone. A permanent solution to a temporary problem. Before I'd lay me down to rest, I'd throw away everything to live. Clove Smoke Catharsis Lean against the night and laugh as I try to scale the walls. Ingnored futility fills the air. You're only there to watch me fall...If only pure sweetness was offered, why's this bitter taste left in my mouth? If I could catch my breath just to exhale, I'd know that I held it in to long... From above comes a faint smile, a new vantage such a view. Familiarity know disowned. Just sit and stare as I walk away. No Poetic Device I've been dreaming. I was lucid. I was dreaming blood was seeping from my pores. Who'd believe that it was all my own decision? Cracked faces and medicated smiles. Set fire to my home before I turned and walked back in. For even needle open my chest and insert ten pins. I just anticipate what awaits when I awake... break. I die in my daydreams. The gardens have all been overgrown. I pushed my hand through the thorns to crush the final rose. A deadly secret only I suffer to know. I can't eradicate what awaits when I awake... break. I die in my day dreams. The Last Kiss Hung in your room, swaying, hoping only that you'll see. All by myself, I'm alone in such poor company. The deeper I think, the deeper I seem to sink, I can't stop the insects that are feeding, pull the needles from beneath my skin. I broke myself, shattered, tied a bow around every peice. You'll love the eyes. Have they always shown so vacantly? The more I show the less you'll want to know. I can't stop the insects that are feeding, pull the needles from beneath my skin. Now I'm on display. I am becoming. Hurt myself today. It's all for you. Do you like what I'm becoming? Cut myself today. It's all for you. I part the night, flashing, approaching as I watch you flee. Pushed through your panes. Seems I've landed quite uncomfortably. But as I pass through souls of broken glass I can't stop the insects that are feeding. Pull the needles from beneath my skin Ever and a Day Lie in comfort of sweet calamity with nothing left to lose. Like in the darkness, I'm slowly drowned to sleep nothing left to lose. Three tears I've saved for you. I'd retrace the steps that lead me here but nothing lives behind me. So I lie in this field bathed in the light that loves me, with nothing left to lose. Three tears I've saved for you. Will you be my beloved? Will you help me to get through? Will you be my destruction? Will you help me to be through? Smile Overwhelmed with a deep repulsion for sights seen so commonly, now I have come to be the walking enmity. Assimilate into a culture of post morality, from what I've seen, I hate humanity. Rot with repulsion. I'll write the world a brand new song. Look upon your bleak creation, but is it truly me that's to be the human blasphemy? I'll set the world on fire and, in burning light I'll write my first love song and I will feel warmth. Hide your eyes in heaven, in the lies. Believe. Relieve. I'll end the world tonight. Overwhelmed with a deep repulsion for sights seen so commonly, now I have come to be a walking enmity, for humanity, the human blasphemy, I'll end the world tonight. Dream of Waking I feel it washing over me, the slow poisonous tide. Pins and needles dance on me. Sickness undefined. Now I'm afraid to face the sky. Please someone hear my haunted cries. Please them waken me. With eyes sewn shut I still can see all that is surrounding me. I end up somewhere, somewhere between... between a dream and motionless reality, will I forever life? I feel binding so smoothly. I see myself below. I feel it gnawing, eating me. Poisonous and slow. My mind it speeds. My voice has died. God let me make the faintest cry. Opened up and for the taking, just one touch and I'll be yours. Opened up wide for the breaking. Just one touch and I'll be yours. What's on the other side of the mirror? To cry, I try, to break the static keeping me here in between. Morningstar I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing through the melting walls. Who will be the first to begin their fall? Or will we become one? Am I the star beneath the stairs? Am I a ghost upon the stage? Am I your anything? I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing bright before descent and in the morning there is nothing left but what's inside of me. And I don't want to die tonight; will you believe in me? And I don't want to fall into the light. Will you wish upon? Will you walk upon me? I don't want to die tonight. Will you. A Winter's Tale A chilling silence. A world of violets. My breath materialized again. Immaculate. Inanimate. A comfort cutting time I see... a string of white lights. Forever walking through December. Forever longing for a sign of life, a bringer of light. Forever wandering together through a world of violets. Ice everlasting. A full moon casting a purple veil enshrouding all. I perambulate, somnambulant. A solace piercing time I see... a string of white lights. If only one for night, if only for one night, if only for one night remember. If only for one night, if only for one night, if only for one night together. Totalimmortal Hope unkown. Sometimes just waking is surreal. I walk right through the nameless ones. I know that hope's unknown. Sometimes the water feels so real. As I walk through it fills my lungs, my god, I'm drowning. This day never seems to end. This pain, never. The rage I will not let go. I hear them calling. I feel them gnawing out holes through flawless souls. So alone. Sometimes I swear that I can hear the taunting of the voiceless ones. I fear that I alone fear those ceased to feel they're alone inside of this place. I am the misplaced. Now every face, it looks familiar... then every face would melt away until.. now everyone, do you know, I know your deception? Who Knew? Every single notion burned indelibly. Every motion leaving scars behind. All sincere emotion received skeptically with no preparation for life eternal. Every tear that's fallen brings one thousand floods. Paper cuts are leaving blood behind. All the silent laughter ringing piercingly. I blink making my eyes mine. Words in their worthlessness, they should be weighted down, but do I truly wish their cessation? 3 1/2 Open wounds in the palms of my hands, festering through infectious time. I feel so faint as my life spills over you. Backstep over glass as I repent. I fear I cannot prevent myself from spilling your life all over me. I'm so sick, so sick of myself. Mother, say you'll pray for me. I'm premature in my decay. Shards of glass swimming in my eyes. A small voice in the back of my mind that's whispering words I never want to hear. I pray that you won't hesitate, as you watch me degenerate, to reach in my wounds and extract all of my fear. My suffocation, asphyxiation. I've been choking on my own blood. Girls Not Grey I'll lay me down tonight much further down, swim in the calm tonight. This art does drown. What follows me as the whitest lace of light just begs to be imbrued? What follows will swallow whole. What follows has lead me to this place where I belong, with all erased. All insects sing tonight, the coldest sound. I'd send god's grace tonight, could it be found. I'll lay me down tonight much further down... watch stars go out tonight. On sinking ground I'll lay me down. What follows will swallow whole. Death of Seasons Of late it's harder just to go outside, to leave this deadspace with hatred so alive. Writhing with sickness, thrown into banality, I decay. Killed by the weakness, but forced to return. Turn it off. I watch the stars as they fall from the sky. I held a fallen star and it wept for me, dying. I feel the fallen stars encircle me now, as they cry. Out there so quickly grows malignant tribes. Posthuman extinction excels unrecognized. Feeling surrounded, so bored with mortality, I decay. All of this hatred is sucking real. Turn it on. It won't be all right despite what they say. Just watch the stars tonight as they disappear, disintegrate. And I disintegrate 'cause this hate is sucking real. And I hope to shade the world as stars go out and I disintegrate. The Great Disappointment I can remember a place I used to go. Chrysanthemums of white, they seemed so beautiful. I can remember. I searched for the amaranth. I'd shut my eyes to see. Oh, how I smiled then, so near the cherished ones. I knew they would appear...saw not a single one. Oh, how I smiled then, waiting so patiently. I'd make a wish and bleed. While I waited I was wasted away. I can remember...dreamt them so vividly, soft creatures draped in white, light kisses gracing me. I can remember when I first realized dreams were the only place to see them. While I waited I was wasting away. Hope was wasting away. Faith was wasting away. I was wasting away. I never, never wanted this. I always wanted to believe, but from the start I'd been deceived. I never, never wanted this. Inside a crumbling effigy, so dies all innocence. But you promised me... Paper Airplanes (Makeshift Wings) Raise high monolithic statues so fragile. As they fall, I am ever enthralled. Gaze, lie and smirk in time. You arrogance will suit you well 'til fashion is dispelled. As waves of plastic fame go out of fashion, you're going out forever unknown. These waves of plastic fame are drying up and I smile because you're dying to become forever unknown. From above a rain of ashes descends. Anathema I will remain, forever will remain. From below, in my seclusion, look up to the sky to see paper wings and watch them burn. Without habitation. You'll never find a soul inside, no life, but nothing's died. No lights, but quite the show (just as long as no one ever knows all motion is pantomime.) Dancing in the rain of descending ash, dancing on your grave, I'll see you all falling. Dancing in the rain of descending ash, dancing in your dust. I'll see you all falling. I'd stop it, had you a heart. ...But Home Is Nowhere Twenty-six years and seems like I've just begun to understand my intimate is no one. When the director sold the show, who bought its last rites? They cut the cast, the music, and the lights. This is my line. This is eternal. How did I ever end up here? Discarnate. Preternatural. My prayers to disappear, ungranted in dead time left me disowned, absent of grace, marked as infernal. To this nature, so unnatural. I remain alone. Twenty-six years end. Still speaking in these tongues. Such revelations while understood by no one. When the new actor stole the show, who questioned his grace? Please clear the house of ill-acquired taste. Give me something. Give me something. Give me something real. I lay strewn across the floor, can't solve this puzzle. Everyday another small piece can't be found. I lay strewn across the floor pieced up in sorrow. The pieces are lost, these pieces don't fit. Pieced together incomplete and empty. This Time Imperfect I cannot leave here, I cannot stay. Forever haunted, more than afraid. Asphyxiate on words I would say. I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue. There are no flowers, no, not this time. There will be no angels gracing the lines, just these stark words I find. I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak. I'd share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me. I cannot stay here. I cannot leave. Just like all I loved, I'm make-believe. Imagined heart, I disappear. Seems no one will appear here and make me real. There are no flowers, no, not this time. There will be no angels gracing the lines, just these stark words I find. I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak. I'd share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me. I'd tell you how it haunts me. Cuts through my day and sinks into my dreams. You don't care that it haunts me. There are no flowers, no, not this time. There will be no angels gracing the lines, just these stark words I find. I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak. I'd share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me...just how much this hurts me...just how much you...