I still find it hard to believe that Attila is actually gone...but I'm trying my best to deal with it all. I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. I got an F on a test? Oh well. I have homework? Too bad. I've just been dragging myself through each day. I am extremely grateful for this three day weekend. I started my portrait of Attila. Working on it makes me feel good and bad at the same time. I had planned on painting this and giving it to her for Christmas, but that obviously cannot happen anymore. I don't know what to feel. Part of me wants to be happy, and part of me likes being the way I am. Part of me wants to be what everyone expects me to be, and the other part is telling me "Fuck them. Be whatever YOU want to be." I know which is right, but that doesn't make it any easier to listen. However, there have been a few bright spots in my day. My grandmother got a new cat, and my skirt came from GoodGoth. Thats about it. Other than that, life pretty much sucks. If you have AIM or Yahoo, and think we hae similar interests, you can IM me at x idespair x (AIM) and x0_nobody_0x (yahoo). I have decided to post a song or poem for Attila in the next 18 entries; one for each year of her life. So, here is number one. Who Knew?-AFI Every single notion burned indelibly. Every motion leaving scars behind. All sincere emotion received skeptically, with no preparation for life eternal. Every tear that's fallen brings one thousand floods. Paper cuts are leaving blood behind. All the silent laughter ringing piercingly. I blink making my eyes mine. Words in their worthlessness, they should be weighted down, but do I truly wish their cessation? Fly. You sang with unrivaled beauty. Bitter elegies of savagery and eloquence, of blue and grey... Te amo Attila.