Hypocrite. Dwayne calls me a hypocrite. All I can do is wonder what he expects when I’ve been around one the past 15 years. My stepdad. He’s the biggest hypocrite I know, besides my mom. He always says that “I’m a kid.” But then he expects me to do things adults would do. That’s not even why I called him a hypocrite, actually that has nothing to do with it. Saturday night he pissed me off so I lost it and got an attitude with him. Sure, you’re supposed to have respect for your elders, but how am I supposed to have respect for him? He’s done nothing but ruin my mom (make her an even bigger nut bag than what she was) Ruin my life. Of course, it’s truth that he has done a lot for my mom, brother and I. But I’m often faced with the question quite often of whether he helped us or fucked us up more. I guess the real person to blame is my mom, if anyone is to blame. She knew what life was like with an alcoholic, so she divorces one, but then marries another. I guess she didn’t expect someone she met in a bar to be an alcoholic. Well, there’s a few slight differences between my dad and my step dad. My dad was an alcoholic, Pat is just a plan and simple drunk. He tells me that the past 3-4 weeks I’ve been “out of control” and shit. I try to be civil with him but he’s just an ASSHOLE! The kind so bad that you can’t stand no matter how hard you try. He’s the one who starts his attitude with me, the one who fires up first, the one who gives me dirty looks. I think the reason he’s acting like this towards me is because I won’t smoke pot with him anymore and he thinks I’m going to tell on him or something….that’d be my bet. And how the hell am I supposed to have respect for a 50 year old who peeks through the bathroom window at me when he knows that I’m about to get naked to get in the shower? He denied it, but what is he gonna say? “yes, donna I was looking at your 17 year old daughter and I’m a pediphile.” I feel so bad for my mom because she’s so dumb and naive. Every Saturday my stepdad takes THE CAR to do his PAPERWORK, which has been taking him on the average 3-4 hours. I don’t understand why he has to take the car, or why it's so urgent to do saturday. He has a work truck that would be just fine for him to use. He says “I never get to use the car, and it’s MY car!” Though he expects me to pay $50/month for car insurance for a car I MIGHT drive ONCE A WEEK. Every time I ask to use it on a Saturday I get a big bunch of shit from him. In the mean time, I have a strong feeling he’s either smoking pot with people, having sex with hookers or sitting in a bar. The past 2 weeks he’s been talking about bars in new cumberland on Saturday morning before he leaves….hmmmm…..and when he does decide to play his games, mom drives clear to dillsburg or perry county looking for him in a bar but in the mean time he’s probably right around the corner in new cumberland. And another thing, he tells me that I’m not allowed to have an opinion of him and shit, and I shouldn’t know what bills they have or what they owe. But when I’m often the one who comes home to a shut off notice hanging on the door, I’m not to know? He’s so worried about paying his bike payment and the rent, but what the hell good is that gonna do if we don’t have utilities or food? “You’ve never not had a hot meal placed in front of you” Is what he says….In the mean time I feed myself Wednesday and thrusday night and most often Friday AND/or Saturday. (hell sometimes even Monday and Tuesday) From my paycheck and my tip money. I’ve been buying my own “personal items’ since I was 14. On top of all this hatred I have loads of sadness. I feel like I’ve lost my dad completely, and he’s not even deceased. I don’t know what to do. He thinks he knows who I am but he has no idea. He treats me like he thinks I am, a mirror image of my mother. But what he doesn’t know is that I’m not a big fan of my mother and my biggest fear is being like her. (dwayne is supposed to smack me if I act like her) I have all this shit plus a whole lot more bottled inside of me, yet, somehow I still manage to get good grades….and for what? Who the hell knows. PS I think I forgot to mention that I’m NOT GOING TO CENTRAL PENNSYLVANIA COLLEGE ANYMORE. And if I do go at all, I’ll have to settle for HACC. I want to go for hotel and restaurant management and/or culinary arts. The things I want most I cannot have. Having a baby has become a current obsession of mine. Everytime I see a baby or a little kid at first I get really happy and then I get really sad. I know that we might struggle to support a kid financially, but it’ll get all of our love that we don’t give to each other. I had to get this out and it’s strange how I trust complete strangers more than I trust people I’ve known my whole life….even though I’m sure no one took the time to read this but dwayne….and maybe he didn’t even read it because he’s heard it all before.