Listening to: ........................
Feeling: wanted
My downfall
Girls are taught that virginity is a sacred gift only to be given to the person she loves on their wedding night. Parents emphasize over and over how girls should keep their legs closed so that they won’t turn out like all the loose women with babies and no fathers for them. But what happens when that gift is taken from her? Is she even worth loving anymore? The theft of my virginity is the only event that will forever be burned in my brain, my body, my soul. And because of it I will continue making the same mistakes in life.
I was an A student at age seventeen. Even had a job and was able to juggle the two with hardly any problems. After that school year ended, I was excited to go to PR to visit my family that recently moved back there from the Bronx. Everything was beautiful; the weather, houses, people and even the sounds. I thought I was on top of the world. And then I met Ivan.
Ivan was the twenty-three year old next door neighbor (I’m not even twenty-three yet and it’s been five years). It’s not like he was the cutest guy I’ve ever met, or even the coolest. He wasn’t the funniest, or the smartest. The only feather he had were his eyes. They were regular brown eyes, but something in his stare made me ignore all his bad qualities. Forget when he criticized my dress style. Forget that we never had a real conversation. Forget that he was also with my male cousin.
One of the main reasons I went to PR was to help my cousin with his problem with Ivan. I was supposed to be his escape, but instead I got sucked into their world. We started playing this game where we split Ivan in half and I never expected it to become real. I was a seventeen year old virgin who had never even seen in guy’s package. I had no idea that this was a dangerous game.
Then one day after playing this game for weeks, we were all relaxing in Ivan’s room. Ivan and I were face to face on our sides on the bed, with my cousin lying on Ivan’s leg. That was our first kiss (Mine and Ivan’s). It was like having electricity surge throughout my body. I had never felt that before (and sadly I never felt that with anyone else). My cousin saw us and got mad. I later apologized and said I won’t do it again, but he told me I had to continue, or Ivan will get mad at him. And so we shared him, not expecting it to be more then just kissing.
Then Ivan and I started doing more things alone in the bedroom. Things I had only heard about, but never experienced till then. I told him from the start that I didn’t want to lose my virginity, and he agreed that it will only be oral. I trusted him completely and thought that one day I will marry him. I don’t know why I trusted him. Maybe it was the way he looked at me that made me feel like I was the center of his world. Or it was just stupidity due to inexperience. Either way I didn’t realize how deep into his lie I really was.
The details of what happened aren’t important, but the act itself killed something in me; left me confused, angry and questioning myself. Is it rape if I didn’t scream? If I didn’t tell anyone? If after that night I continued with him for two more? Not out of love, but fear of angering him. Although I tried to feel the same as before because since he took my virginity, he had to marry me. That’s the only way it would make his act right.
After I left PR, my so-called relationship ended. At first I tried to brainwash my self into thinking it was love, but the tears I shed were not for him. They were for me. For the part of me I could never get back.
My male cousin also ended up losing his virginity to Ivan before he came to NY to live with me. I think he did it out of spite though. As a way to tell me that it started with him and will finish with him. By that point I didn’t care though. As a matter of fact, I stopped caring about a lot of things.
By the time school started again, I was a completely different person. I stopped worrying about my grades and barely passed my classes. I got fired from my job due to my bad attitude and inability to keep my mouth closed. Worse of all, I became very promiscuous. I talked about my experience in PR as if I enjoyed every minute of it. After I stopped crying at night, which took about a year, I ended up meeting a guy online and sleeping with him the first day. That lasted a month and I saw him only three times. He was my way of hurting my self because I thought I was a dirty slut who didn’t deserve better.
Afterwards, sex became by “comfort zoneâ€. Whenever I’m sad and alone, I find a person to “mess withâ€. I could no longer remain alone. It’s weird how that one moment in my life continues to relive itself. Not that I continue getting raped, but I allow myself to be violated, even welcome it; the rougher, the better. Ivan reprogrammed my mind and I’m not sure if it even bothers me anymore.
hope you are well