let me start off by saying this entry is gonna show how pathetic i really am... i'm not sure why i'm crying... i dont know if it's just for oscar or if its also for everyone else who has hurt me and continue to hurt me by not being around anymore... with every guy that leaves i feel like a piece of me goes with them and i just get weaker and weaker with each part of me they take... why are things always so complicated? it's like the only girls who get to keep their men are the sluts... then the ones that are like me, who try to be as fateful as possible are the ones getting hurt and accused of some other crap... i just dont understand anymore... do i have to be a slut to be happy? is that what the pieces were that they took? my self respect! my ability to give a crap! my soul! did oscar take the last piece and left me empty? i just feel so alone and worthless and it's all getting to be too much... the funny thing is if you talked to me or chilled with me, you wouldn't notice... it's become so easy to fake happiness that i'm not sure when i'm really happy or when it's all an act... today i felt hurt by 2 separate ex's and over dumb stuff... they won't even notice cause its all in my head... first it was juancarlos... i was talking to him online and when saying bye i called him "pa" cause thats what i always used to call him and still do... it used to be "papi", but that just makes me feel weird... anyway, he called me "ma"... which he never used to... i was "sweetie" to him back in the day... and for some reason that really got to me... i felt like he called me by another girls name or something... then me feeling sad about that got me thinking about oscar... and all day i've been keeping myself busy so i don't think about him, but now that he's in my head, i can't get him out... i just have so many things that angers me about how things went with him... how one minute we're all over eachother and in the span of literally a week he completely changed... and my brain still doesn't really understand what happened... what pisses me off though is that he waited a month to dump me... he stopped seeing me, became all distant and then a month later dumped me without even trying to work it out... why string me along? i had told him how all my other guys were like... how they all of a sudden disappeared and how it really bothered me, and then he does the same thing! i really dont get how someone could be one way and then completely different the next day... today he came online and i wanted to IM him, but didn't dare... i just kept looking at his screenname and trying to get him to IM me... i dont know why though... i just wanted to see that he cared... but he didn't... he doesn't care... i'm just another random girl... replaceable... forgettable... whatevers, eso pasa... wanna hear something kinda ironic? the same guy who kinda got me and oscar together also kinda broke us up... i got this online friend (manny)who likes messing with people on the phone or online, so i give him humans names and numbers that i know... anyway, one day we bored and decide to chill but his computer is messed up and he logs off and doesn't come back... i was mad bored and really wanted to go out now cause he hyped me up so i IM another online friend (oscar) and we decide to chill that night... short story shorter, we end up dating... well time passes and his jealousy and paranoia takes over and ruins what we had... he gets all distant and all that crap i mentioned already... the other day manny (online friend) asked for screennames so he could mess with them and i gave him oscars... i thought manny was gonna do like he did b4 and tell him that he owes him money or something that was funny like that... but he does something completely unexpected... he tells my now paranoid bf that he's been fucking his girl and shit like that... now i couldn't tell oscar i knew the guy cause i didn't want the brakeup to happen yet... anyway, less then a week later i'm single again... i tell him after he dumped me, cause it didn't matter anymore, and i was right... he did get all mad and crap... the last thing i tell him after that is "i guess you did make the right choice by dumping me"... or something like that... i have so many other things circling my head and its all so mixed up i cant figure out how to express them in words... AHHHHHHHHHH... FUCK IT!!!! I DON'T FUCKING CARE!!!!!!! IT DOESN'T MATTER!!! NONE OF THIS MATTERS!!! MY FEELINGS, MY THOUGHTS, MY RANTS, MY TEARS AND EMOTIONS ARE JUST WORTHLESS!!!!!!!!! IDONTCAREIDONTCAREIDONTCAREIDONTCAREIDONTCAREIDONCAREIDONT CAREIDONTCAREIDONTCARE........... FUCK IT! FUCK ME! FUCK YOU!!! FUCK THESE STUPID GIRLY FEELINGS AND MY LACK OF CONTROL OVER THEM! every day that passes makes me want to run away from everything i come in contact with... PATHETIC!!!! FUCKING PATHETIC!!!!!! GET OVER IT!!!!!!! IT HAS ALREADY GOTTEN OVER YOU!!! TAKEN OVER YOU... there is no more of you left... no more of me... who am i really crying for? i lost... i quit... give up... has sabrina finally faded completely away...