My mom is home, so I don’t know how freely my thoughts will come now.

Anyway, it’s been awhile since I’ve thought myself capable of writing/thinking on myself. I’ve gotten too caught up in things once again. I don’t even know what. Just, too much thinking on doing and not enough thinking on my state of being -- even though I’ve been locked up in the house for so long. But I’m here to take an inventory of things, I suppose.

My physical state is the simplest, so I can start there. Honestly? I’m really happy with how I am at the moment, haha. My torso is FLAT. Not even kidding. My arms are toned, and I have legit arm strength. My legs are curvy from wearing heels all the time, but not in a fat, manly way -- in that sexy way that Mrs. Ramos constantly compliments me on, haha. (Thank you, honorary Lola.) My ass is good and looks good with my torso and the way my back curves. The only thing left that I could even bother myself about is my thighs. I still have those many years of deposited fat at the back of them, under my ass. If I could ever burn that (I honestly don’t think it’s possible, lol), I would look better. BUT, I’ve been exercising, and I actually have muscle in those thighs now. When I lift a leg frontward, you can actually see where the muscle separates itself from the fat. Before, there was no definition at all, lol. So, at least I know the muscle exists, even if the fat is still there. Overall? I’m very satisfied. Satisfied enough to go through with my own version of Cashback indeed.

That was easy. No thought required exactly.

Mental state. A bit harder.

I am definitely more aware of myself lately. Since my physical state has pretty much balanced out, nothing has been influenced by hormones lately. Not even my libido, which I’m seriously proud of. Seriously. So I haven’t been going through mood swings, or chemical imbalances, or anything of that sort. I sleep regularly now, “thanks” to parental controls on my laptop, and I also eat regularly and don’t overeat. (I drink much, much more water nowadays than I used too, also, but I digress.)

If anything, I know that I am in control of myself. Mind-wise.

Most of my standards on life are good. Solid. On a daily basis, they are more than sufficient. However, there come the times that I have not yet experienced, those things I have not yet formed opinions about. Sexual conduct? Got those rules down. Parentals? Most definitely. Smoking and drinking? Not so much. I probably won’t know what to make of them until the occasion arrives, too.

..... Mm. I’ve tried to meditate, but I can only do it for relaxation. To calm every inch of my body. It’s so very relaxing, and I thank Jed for sparking my interest in it. But what I can’t seem to do is delve into my mind. I --

Guh. I am failing at this. Moving on.

State of relationships. Okay, a little easier. I am better at writing about things related to action.

My relationship with my parents has improved dramatically. Not enough to the point where I have the freedom to do whatever I want or tell them my darkest secrets, lol, but to the point that it is possible for me to listen to them and for them to listen to me. And with that capability of listening comes communication, something that my household has missed for a long time. I don’t think of them negatively inside anymore. I can actually look at them without a thought now. It is fitting that this kind of thing is fixing itself before I go eight hours away.

My relationship with my friends is a bit more complex. I’m not the same person I used to be -- I knew this before, but now, it is made even more concrete with the way that I have spent days in my house not speaking to anybody, and I have been fine with it. Not even fine -- completely content. There have been days when I have felt like simply not talking to anyone. That has never happened to me before. I can’t say yet if I prefer these days or not, but the mere existence of them in my life is... a mind-blowing evolution. I’m sure it means something.

Well, I know that it has to do something with the fact that I feel detached. Again, I can’t say if I prefer myself this way or not yet, but in a way, I am liking it. (This is, of course, after the initial damaging shock of realizing I was so detached.) I can attach myself to the positive things of life, and now when faced with negative things, they catch onto me less. I feel less heavy. Lighter. Like I am letting go of things and ties that I wasn’t even aware of in the first place. I don’t know if this is particularly good or bad yet, but it is definitely something new. I am learning how to work with it. I also guess that in theory, detachment makes goodbyes easier.

My relationship with my sisters is... interesting. I honestly would understand if they never forgive me for what I did. The person I was then didn’t deserve to know all their secrets, or to call them “sister”. At the same time, it was something I needed to go through. I was that kind of person, sad as it is. Parental poison pushes deep and changes oneself from the inside out. If I never got those negative thoughts out, they would have stayed in my mind every time I saw them. My sisters. I would have eventually looked at them with thoughts in my mind, too, like how I used to do with my parents. And those thoughts would have eventually developed into horrible actions. Using SitDiary, at least those thoughts were only in my head from the time of the incident that set them off to the moment I wrote them down. It was like... closing a part of my mind off from myself. The only thing I can really apologize for is being so inconsiderate as to write them here. To bury them. I put them here so they would never know and they wouldn’t be hurt by it... but they were. Because a fucking online diary isn’t the place to put those things. But... this is one of those blessings in disguise. This... and my experience with “The Power of Love”... gah, they really showed me the consequences of hate, and about what it can do to people. It can "murder them in your heart" -- and, it is a double-edged sword.

Love, love, love. As a follower of Davey Wavey, why can’t I just remember that? All the time? Don’t just live life, but love.

I think they are still guarded around me. Granted, I was never good at cheering up or offering advice, but at least they would tell me things. I would at least know how they are. But, being as detached as I feel nowadays, their states are unknown to me usually, or at least, never completely divulged. If I ask them, sometimes they don’t tell. Residual or not, I understand. Not much help I can offer them anyway. I just want them to know that if they need an ear, the mouth might not know what to say, but an ear always knows how to listen. I love them even more now than I did back then, and I’m so worried that I’m not showing it. And it’s not even the shortness of time speaking now. People say it all the time, that oh, they “owe their life to so-and-so”, but haha, it’s completely true with me. I owe them 100% for the kind of person I am now. The breaking of our relationships was also a breaking of myself that was needed for a new self to come through. So in all, something good came from it. Even if everything isn’t good between all of us. But I have faith that it will heal.

My relationship with the opposite sex? It’s interesting. I’m in a zone right now, something about going with the flow. I don’t care too much for finding love right now, but if I happen to fall into it, I wouldn’t mind. It would be a pleasant surprise.

Be water. It’s helping me get through hard times.

That’s from this intriguing character, Jed. I can learn so much from him, it astounds me. I view him like... the teacher I could become romantically involved with, if the circumstances allowed. I feel like he is a person with such wisdom and has never really had the opportunity to share it all -- but sharing it would make him the most happy. And that outlet, I could give him, if he wanted it.

The strangest thing is that as long as he is around and open to teach me, I wouldn’t mind if he became romantically involved with someone else, if it were meant to be. Like Moleca. She says she doesn’t look at him that way, but at the same time, I don’t know if I may have influenced her early on with the way I had “set my sights” on him, per se. She says that she doesn’t want a repeat of last year, but God, isn’t it sad how last year happened over a character like Casey? Smh at ourselves! But ah, in this case, if Jed is her male counterpart, then I say that a half should be put with the other half. God knows that she needs someone with the capability to understand her. I just hope that such a whole wouldn’t implode upon itself with such epicness. But in the end, everything will work out as it may. I’m tired of trying to bend Fate to my will -- it’s about time that I learned that that’s not actually possible.

Ah, it is really strange. With the physical stuff taken out of the situation, relationships really become something much more... intangible. It’s all about how the minds connect, si? What other connections could exist besides that? It’s new and interesting to me. I wonder where it will all lead.

All in all, I refuse to call this entry a fail because I was able to write about things. But maybe I won’t cross off #142 just yet.

Lastly, I came up with this in the spur of a moment. It applies to the fact that I am waiting to be caught up in life. I fear I’ve been living it wrong by actively going out to seek it, when really, it will pull me in, in its mysterious, inexplicable ways, and take me to the places I am meant to be, with the people whom I am meant to be with:

Where is that thread I used to follow? It wasn't much, but at least it was a path. But even now, pathless and threadless, I feel light. If I don't float away first, I will fly. I feel it in my chest. I'm ready to put myself out there to find the thread that I am meant to hold, for however long it is meant to sustain me.

Summer 2010, you will inspire me. =w=.