Words can only do so much.

Last night was the culmination, I suppose, of a very good day. And I'm only writing about it here lest it escape my memory. This is not a memory I want to lose.

Tuesday night, after staying up until around 6 helping revise Kevin's script for his Arabic Medicine presentation for MedTerm and then critiquing him as he practiced down on the Dewey main floor, we finally went back upstairs. I went to my room, he to his, and after awhile, I walked down to his room to say good night before sleeping alone, once again, in my bed.

"I'm sleeping with you," he said. I left the room before smiling.

We crashed on top of my bed, having had no time for our usual late-night showers, and by 8:30 AM, I helped wake his exhausted self up. "You have a presentation today," I whispered in his ear. After some time, I finally got him to sit up. He got his things, but then I beckoned him over to give him a hug. "Good luck," I said.

He thanked me and left, and I set an alarm to sleep for another hour before getting up to wash my hair; our chorus concert was tonight, after all, and I wouldn't have time later to get ready. Later, the alarm rang, and I put on my bathrobe and stepped outside my room.

With my back to the hallway, I slowly shut the door as not to wake Paulina, but then I suddenly noticed footsteps behind me, which then stopped, and then retreated. I turned around just to catch a glimpse of Kevin walking away around the corner. I laughed and yelled after him, "WHAT? You creeper! XD." He didn't come back, so I went into the bathroom to take my 40-minute shower. As I was undressing in the shower stall, I thought I heard someone come down the hall and possibly open my door; I wasn't sure if it was my room or my hallmate's.

When I came back from my shower, I walked in and found a plant sitting on the dresser next to my bed.

"Good morning :]. Thank you... for being you ♥. Love, Your Dearest Sperm Whale ^__^"

I've never gotten flowers from a guy before. I was exploding with cheesiness. It was just so... Kevin. "There is a plant... on my dresser," I said aloud. Paulina awoke, and after we both laughed for awhile while "Aw"-ing all over the place, she informed me that it looked like a honeysuckle. "I guess his presentation went welll?" I said to Paulina, joking.

I texted him asking where he was so I could find him, but he told me that he did actually end up going to Bio lecture. I told him I would meet him at Pistachio's for lunch anyway.

Paulina and I later met up with him, and then he walked me to Chem Lab. After Chem Lab, I ended up bumping into Lee, who then walked and talked with me back to Governors. As we caught up on our weekends, I texted Kevin asking him if he was going to nap until our chorus concret later that night. "Yeah, I was just about to fall asleep," he replied. "Oh, OK," said my reply text.

Then: "Do you want to nap with me?"

"Sure, I don't have anything else to do," was what I texted back, but what I really meant was, "Most. Definitely." I asked him if I could wear outside clothes, and he said that I could keep everything but my outside pants. "I'll let you wear my shorts," he said. Haha, I had already been wearing his shorts and his sweater the entire day.

I met him there and changed into his red guy shorts from behind his roommate's curtain. "Why behind there?" he teased. "Don't you know what my roommate does in there?" We both laughed.

We eventually fell asleep. It was four, and we had a call time of 6:10 for the chorus concert. He wanted to wake up at 5:30 in order to have time to iron his inside shirt, but when the alarm rang... we ended up not getting up until 6:15, we were enjoying ourselves too much.... I believe at some point, the phrase, "The things I would do to you," was uttered from his mouth. His roommate coming in and out made for the most comical scene, since it's usually he and his fuck-buddy who make the situations slightly awkward for Kevin. But ah, I wouldn't let him get up from the bed. "I thought you don't like kissing," he whispered to me. "But I love kissing you."

All things done and said, we showed up at the concert hall around 6:25.

Our chorus was the first short half, perhaps a 25-minute performance. Everything went smoothly. Then after intermission, Kevin and I linked arms and held hands as we watched the UB Choir and UB Symphony Orchestra come on the stage to perform Mozart's epic Requiem Mass.

All in all, it was ear-gasmic. But there were too many mistakes for Kevin and I to give a standing ovation or anything of the sort. Regardless, the music put us in a great mood.

Instead of going back immediately for Late-Night, I convinced him to let me pay for a shared Udon Terriyaki Chicken at the Chinese place in the Commons. Once we started eating with our chopsticks, he offered to feed me one mouthful. Then when I tried to feed him, he criticized my "feeding technique". I ended up spending the rest of the meal learning from him the "proper way to feed someone." We finished the rest of our dish feeding each other. "MAJOR cornballs XD," I told him. "We must look soooo weird to anyone watching us right now," he said. We both laughed. The Chinese place was pretty empty.

When we got back, I went to my room and he to his. I was in such a great mood. All I could think about was wanting Kevin to stay in a good mood, was making him feel good, was making him calm, relaxed, and happy. I texted him saying, "Is your roommate in?" "No:)" he said. "Are you in the mood for a Post-It, or am I being a guy? lol," I texted, referring to the keep-out method he and his roommate had established. "I'm in the mood to study actually=/" he said.... before texting back, "Just kidding. I'm just looking over everything I have to do. Just chilling." "Well, I think you deserve to relax, so I'm coming over," I said.

When I came over, he was just being... Kevin. I automatically hopped onto his bed with him, and then he, being Kevin, put on an Eric Whitacre playlist. He was still standing, sorting some of his MedTerm vocabulary cards. I just took in the music as both of us felt it call to our souls. Whitacre's choral music tends to do that. He worked on his index cards for a good hour as I just laid on his bed, listening to the beautiful music.

The rest that happened tends to be a bit of a blur. At some point, Kevin finally put on a Yiruma playlist and did get into bed with me, claiming that he was going to "nap." His roommate came in at some point and saw us snuggling, and he offered to turn off the light before leaving, thinking we were going to bed. I give his roommate props. I guess I had only known him as the fuck-buddy, but really, as Kevin said, "They're good kids. They just have a different way of doing things."

Everything after this point... gah. I just hope these memories stay in my head. I had never looked into someone's eyes for so long. Kevin is so beautiful. His skin is dark and smooth, and I love to look at him when his eyes are closed, when you can hardly see his eyebags. I told him all this. I love touching his smooth cheek and running my fingers through his hair. Eventually, he noticed that I was staring at him, and he stared at me back. Me being me, I started to feel self-conscious and wanted to cover my face, but I reminded myself that if he was letting me stare into his soul, I should let him stare into mine.

It was awhile before either of us spoke. I can't remember all the details.

"Why are we so alike...?" "...Because we're soulmates." "Am I doubting?" "What?" "... I probably won't be able to come into the city. My parents won't let me drive down there." "It's okay." "No, it's not." "It's fine." "I'm scared I'm going to make you hate me. Like this week, when I stress out about school and stuff.... We've never fought before." "Oh, don't worry, we will.... Kevin, don't worry about being tested. This summer will be our test."

"I don't really have any friends back home. I was popular, but we were never really close. I mean, when I go back, they'll probably invite me to hang out with them and stuff... but I don't belong with them. I don't think I belong anywhere." "You belong with me."

"What happens if we break up?" "I fear that too. We have an entire summer. I don't know... Whatever happens, happens." "... No... I mean... then I would hurt you." "Whatever happens, happens, Kevin. If it's meant to be, then it will happen."

"Kevin... Don't hate me if I seem too clingy in the coming weeks. It's just... I'm scared of the summer. I've always believed that only love can last in long-distance relationships.... And I just want us to have a good foundation."

Him: "I feel so blessed to have found you." Me: "Same."

Me: "I am so thankful for you." Him: "So am I."

After awhile, he started making faces at me. We were laughing so much in bed, next to each other. He never ceases being Kevin, and that's what I love about him. I love that I understand him. "We always laugh together, don't we?" he remarked. "Well, I would hope that laughter is a sign of happiness, right?" I replied.

Later, his hand found my thighs again. He always tells me that he wants me to feel good, but it's not fair that my buttons are so easy to find while his aren't as much. It doesn't take much for me to moan or breathe heavy, but I also know that that's what helps makes him hard. "Magic fingers," I huffed into his neck. "Does me being turned on turn you on?" I whispered into his ear. "... Well, it makes me really hard...."

I pulled him on top of me. God, he was so hard, and I was so surprised that I told him so -- he no longer gets embarrassed. Truthfully, I never knew a guy could be that hard. I tell him all the time that I'm afraid I'll never make him feel as good as he makes me. He tells me that it's okay. But last night, I let him lie down between my legs. The only time I had ever done this before was during our earlier nap.

"So this is what missionary feels like. How does it feel to be the first man between my legs?" I teased. "...Humbled," he said, with an embarrassed chuckle. I laughed at him, hard. It was hilarious.

I started to grind into him, asking him if it felt good. He was already reciprocating the motions and breathing heavily. He nodded and then said that he was sweating. I told him to take off his shirt and he complied. As he kneeled on top of me, my gaze travelled across his chest as his shirt came off. Kevin is so beautiful, and I told him so. He looked down at me, shaking his head, and leaned back on top of me.

As his thrusts got stronger, he asked me, "Do you really want to do this?", stopping to look me in the eyes. I looked right back at him and said with all my heart, "If you feel ashamed or guilty for any reason, I need you to tell me," I said. I couldn't help but keep thinking back to Casey and how horrible I had felt in the past. "But as for me," I told him honestly, "I don't feel ashamed. At all. Because it's with you." In my head, I added, And I'm in love with you. To be honest... every time we do things like this, that is the exact thought in my head. In my heart, I feel whole when I do these things with him because I love him.... I haven't told him anything yet though.

I paused. "You don't think we're moving too fast, do you?" I asked him. Still looking down at me, he said, "No. I don't feel that way." I looked away at the wall. "Why is that?" I pondered. ".... Because we love each other too much," I heard him say quietly.

I looked at him. I felt my heart implode into pieces and then suck itself back together again, whole, stronger and more alive than ever. That was exactly how I felt. I feel that I love him. That I am in love with him. My logical mind tells me that it's too soon, even though we've been best friends for half a year already. But my heart tells me that this is exactly right. And truthfully, I don't care if anyone else doesn't understand as long as he understands. And we do. We do understand each other.

"I'm going to cry," I told him. I was laughing at myself and smiling and tearing and the tears started coming down my face as he looked down at me. "Oh noo," he said. "No, don't worry! I'm just getting emotional.... Like, I'm in disbelief. The tears are involuntary, I swear," I told him throughout sobs. "It still upsets me a little," he said. I pulled him closer to feel his embrace around me. "No, don't be upset. I'm not upset. I'm happy," I told him.

I cried for a little bit. Then I said, "Remember that religion teacher I told you about who died?" He nodded at my reference to Dr. Morton. I told him, inbetween sobs: "One time in sophomore year, I wrote her a reflection paper. In it, I told her about how I can't go to confession without crying involuntarily. I couldn't understand why I always did that. And when she read my reflection paper, she told me, 'Did you ever think that your tears are a gift and sign of God's grace?' So every time I cry involuntarily, that's what I think of," I told him. He smiled into my neck.

After awhile, I was able to reign it in. "Aghghghghhh," I said, and he laughed at me. He held me for awhile. All I could think of was that I really really wanted to tell him that I was in love with him.... Instead I said, "... I don't want to scare you away." And in my head, I added, And I don't want to get scared away. He replied, "And I don't want to scare you away." I looked at him in surprise, though I really shouldn't be surprised, since we voice each other's thoughts all the time. "I was just thinking that," I said to him. We laughed. "Figures," he said.

After some silence, with my hand on the side of his face, I told him the closest thing to my thoughts yet: "I'd like to fall in love with you," I said softly. He smiled again. We breathed for a bit, and with his face close to mine, he then asked me, "Are you happy?" "Yes," I said, without hesitation. "Are you?" He looked deep into me and nodded, and then he closed his eyes in contentment and smiled gently. He has such a beautiful smile.

I'm not going to lie. Eventually, as he began rubbing circles into my hip, his hand found my thighs again, making me squirm. It's so easy for him to turn me on -- "It's because I understand your body," he told me. I told him to switch positions, and for the first time ever, I straddled a guy. I asked him to position me where he wanted me, and I fully felt how hard he really was. It actually hurt to have him thrusting against my pubic bone. He kept asking me if he was making me feel good, and I told him to calm down, that I was doing this for him, that I couldn't feel anything through my clothes but that my clothes would be staying on regardless. He was grunting quietly, and I asked him if he might come in his pants and if he would be okay with that. He was so hard that he finally just told me, "I don't think I will come. It hurts so much -- it's too tight with clothes on. Can I take off my pants?" "Sure," I said.

I sat on his stomach as he eased his pants off. Afterwards, he reminded me about finding his buttons. I moved down and sat on his knees, and for the first time ever, I saw his erection, practically unclothed -- he was just wearing white boxer-briefs. He is very impressive. I wasn't surprised; Kevin has really big hands and big feet.

I looked him up and down. Kevin is beautiful. His skin is quite darker than mine and almost completely unmarked, but so smooth to the touch. He is tall, and properly proportioned; though ab-less and now muscle-less, I don't care. I would love to explore his body.

I felt around his waistband and torso, looking for his tickle spots. Funnily, I found that his nipples are more sensitive than mine (mine have never been sensitive). However, his thighs aren't as sensitive as mine. Eventually, I asked him in slight frustration where his other buttons might be, and he basically replied, "Well, that," In reference to his dick. I laughed. "I really can't grind on you?" I said. "No, it just hurts. I'd prefer to use a hand," he confessed. "I think that would be the next level," I replied honestly. "Some time in the future," I told him. He completely understood. As I continued looking his body over, I remarked, "I think it's hilarious how I get you to take off your clothes before you get me to take off mine." He laughed in response. "I like it better this way anyway," I said.

I repositioned myself on top of his hips and looked down at his face, my hands on both sides of his head. My shirt -- his shirt -- draped down (he could have looked down my shirt but didn't care to), and my Italian cross ironically swung in front of his face. He took it into his hand, and I told him honestly, "It really means something when I can do all of this and still wear this." He nodded, understanding. From that point on, I just looked down at him, into his eyes. I smiled. I smiled, big and wide. I was so happy, and I felt it exuding from my very face. I wanted him to see it in my eyes. I saw him take in my expression, and then he smiled back. His eyes smiled back.

"Gah, it's not going away," he confessed, about his erection. "... I still can't believe you don't relieve it," I replied; he had told me that he just waits for it to go away, and it does. I still can't wrap my head around it -- I thought I learned that ejaculation is healthy for the male testicles, lest they get too heavy, which is known as "blue balls." But Kevin has told me that he never has to relieve it; he just waits. "I was raised right, I guess," he said. Still in disbelief, I told him honestly, "... You are rare."

"I just realized we could do this all night," he said later. "I know, right?" "Gah, but I'm so tired now XD," he said.

So I asked him if I could sleep there, and he said yes. I went back to my room to brush my teeth, and when I came back, he was looking through the videos on his computer. He showed me movies of his short speech during his graduation, when his parents said goodbye to him in his room, and when he was playing with his dog Kiwi. I remembered that I had told him that I wanted him to hear my valedictorian speech, and so I went back to my room to fetch my computer and show him the video. I set my laptop down on his desk and we laid on our stomachs on his bed, watching it. The speech was as incredible as I last remembered -- truthfully, I don't give myself the credit for writing the speech. I still think God wrote it through my hand. I could not have done it without the inspiration, the help. Something else came into me to help me write it.

"The only thing worth getting valedictorian," I told him, "was being able to give this speech and tell these things to the entire graduation audience. That was it."

After the video was done, we went to sleep. I finally clarified with him: "You don't have to cuddle with me if it puts you into an uncomfortable position. I just want you to hold my hand." He complied.

Now that it's morning, I can hardly believe that all that happened last night. This growing, this completion, this love.... It's amazing. It reminds me why we live Life.