This entry has to do with the day of Senior Retreat, November 20, 2009. Unfortunately, like all else, I "didn't have the time" to write on my thoughts that day, and so I got lost in the current of time again.

What a damn shame. But at least I am writing now.

My away when I got home that day: Do not call immaturity innocence, nor naïve, inexperience. Each is different from the other, and you will not experience the fullness of life if you cannot tell the difference.... Possible blog entry later.

Moleca IMd me about it. But I didn't want to tell her. This was something I needed to expand upon for myself:

11:01:34 PM moleca: your away is interesting :O

[I went on a tangent here for avoidance purposes. But again--]

11:35:10 PM moleca: are you going to blog? :OO

Rini: Hm

Rini: I so caught up in thought right now lmfao

Rini: I want to write about The United States of Leland

Rini: But also about a thought that occurred to me today

Rini: but like lmfao

Rini: I'll probably just end up not writing anything XD

moleca: uwah, what kind of thought? :O

Rini: That certain silly things impeded one's appreciation of other certain things lmaooo

Rini: It's hard to explain

Rini: That's why I was going to ramble on about it in a blog

Rini: But I really want to write about this movie

Rini: I think I'll do that first lol

moleca: i see! does that pertian to anyone/thing from today? :o

Rini: lol si, it came to me on the bus ride haha

[I seriously deaded her then. This was my thought, and for once, I would appreciate it if she didn't work her "magic helping powers" on me, as she loves to do for others. Perhaps it makes her feel better for herself. Okay, that was mean. :x]

moleca: aww i see i see

Rini: MURRRRRRR, I'm trying to make my NEtflix queue and trying to find out if there's sex in paris, je t'aime, because then I can't get it on dvd lest my parents want to watch it -_-

moleca: buahah oh dear!

moleca: if anything you can give them another movie? :'D

moleca: lmao but ah! i shall head off now =w=

So. What did I really want to write about?

I have to admit that at the moment at which the thought came to me, I was feeling slightly... biased.

More... hostile.

I had just finished showing Ivy Jeux D'Enfants, an incredible French movie about the consuming, selfish, and selfless aspects of a passionate love. I'll try not to spoil anything, but basically, when she came to the ending, she was plainly incredulous. "What??" she said. "That's... crazy! I don't like that. That's just... sad." And so, her reaction to the movie was incredibly negative. And she wouldn't even talk with me about it. It was like she just wanted to drop the topic simply because she didn't like it.

Obviously, I could be thinking too much of this because I had just shown my best friend one of my favorite movies, and she didn't like it. That could be it. But I think that I was simply offended. Offended by how incapable she was of grasping the entire concept of the movie, of understanding what I certainly could understand, of getting what I myself got out of the movie. And then when I started up The United States of Leland, an INTENSELY cerebral movie that I had to watch three times to fully grasp, she said her head hurt. Of course it would. I probably shouldn't say this, but I didn't think you would fully understand the movie anyway. Just like my dad, you probably would have just been confused and written it off as nothing. Well, your "nothing" is one of the most intelligently dialogued, skillfully crafted movies I have ever seen.

But I digress.

The ending of Jeux D'Enfants had left me clutching my heart, my head throbbing. It had left me feeling desolate, hopeless, and yet a little hopeful at how they had been able to immortalize their love. But despite all of these negative feelings, I did not simply brush it away. Sure, I was feeling lonely at that moment -- I even IMd Khoa right after saying, "I shouldn't have watched this movie alone x_x" -- but not once did I regret seeing that movie.

The negative feelings in me caused by the movie were not towards the movie itself. In fact, I was absolutely in awe of the power the movie possessed to make me feel that way. And that's why it made my Favorites Movies list.

But no, Ivy just pushed it away, like she couldn't deal with it. And now that I think about it, that must have been why I strongly disliked her in that moment. I hate seeing other people give in to weakness. I certainly don't think that I myself am the strongest person in the world, that I myself don't get hurt often and feel depressed often -- oh no. I am hurt often, I am often depressed, I am weak. But it's their inability to DEAL with it that really gets to me. By "they", I am, of course, referring to my sisters.

When I am hurt, I seek help. Maybe it's because I have been lucky that I am not like them. When I seek help, I often receive help. If not from things, then from people. If not from people, then from God. I don't understand. Sometimes, I just don't understand why they are so weak, so incapable.

I feel horrible writing all this down, but I must.

And so, I started thinking about things. There's a difference between wanting to stay happy and being a coward when faced with sad things. There's a difference between wanting to help others and denying the sadness within oneself.

There's also a difference between being innocent and being immature. Example: There is a slightly graphic scene in Jeux D'Enfants when the female lead is explicitly having sex. The scene itself shows her on the bed, with the man above her, and her thighs obviously spread apart with him in the center, except they are both covered by a white sheet, so you really can't see any skin, though of course, there's some sighs and heavy breathing. Psh.

Ivy squealed and covered her eyes. Seriously!? I stared at her. She was like, "Eqoiweukljdfl, why do they have to do stuff like that!!" -shields eyes-

AL-RIGHT. See what I mean? There's a difference between wanting to keep yourself pure and just being immature about things. I'll try not to make this about myself, but yes, sure, I have seen many things. I have seen porn, I have watched movies with porn in it, and I have read some insanely lemony fanfics. I may not be innocent in my frame of mind, but that is because I often give in to temptation, and that is my fault. And okay, fine, perhaps that is why I don't shy away from love scenes. But, covering one's eyes?? Do you not realize that we will be in college by next year? How do you expect to deal with things in such a freer world and environment? I can't help wonder how you'll do in those real life scenes, for God's sake.

When I see love scenes, I don't shy away from them. I don't close my eyes. If I'm in the mood, I'll let myself be aroused, but most of the time, I just look at it objectively. Sex is an action. It is physical, mostly done without clothes on, with another person. Okay. So what? Get over yourself. And you tell me that you want to see Gegen die Wand!? Are you insane?? That movie would be so much "worse" for you. There are no white blankets to cover what you don't want to see.

I have to quote something I once sent to my friends on Facebook:

This is the Oscar-nominated short film that the writer/director Sean Ellis expanded into the amazing movie that is Cashback XD. I didn't want to post it on my status because of the amount of nudity that some people might misconstrue.

Let me just say right now that that kind of makes me mad. Like, I can't share this movie with certain people JUST because it has nudity in it. Get over it. It's a REALLY good movie, you know what I mean? It's like how I wanted to share Mutually Assured Destruction with Ms. Forlini because it was exactly like Wuthering Heights... but noooo, "there's too much sex". Rawr. It's also a damn well-written fanfic.

Really, I simply find it incredible how much one can miss for silly reasons. I am inexperienced, but I am certainly not naïve. I am capable of educating myself without participating. I know a lot in theory, while certainly not having experienced any of it. But it is the knowledge that should be valued. If you do not allow yourself to learn of such necessary knowledge, you will turn out to be a sad, naïve soul.

Similarly, I have nothing against wanting to keep oneself pure. But I have everything against immaturity. I am tired of immature people. You have no place in my life.

Phew. I am glad I got all that out.

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What follow is my take on The United States of Leland