"When you're screwing up, and nobody's saying anything to you anymore, that means they gave up."

-- Randy Pausch, Last Lecture: Achieving Your Childhood Dreams

You and I?

We're there.

The fact that we're not talking right now tells me that we're there.

I don't know how Sunday night is going to go. I really don't. I have no idea what I'm going to say, what you're going to say, how you're going to feel, how I'm going to feel, if I'm going to cry, or if I'm going to laugh -- because sometimes when we have these serious talks, I can't help but laugh and smile, even though I know that I'm going to cry later.

But I know that the more you ground yourself in the mindset you have all over your Tumblr right now... the more I know that I am more likely to give up on this relationship.

I stand by what Gina texted me.

"[Paulina] and you both put your bfs first but they put school above the relationship. And family too. So you guys want the affection that you give but their hearts are divided so you can only feel so much love from them. I understand what Kevin is saying but he needs to realize that if he's already whole then he has nothing to lose being with you. And if you guys are happy then there shouldn't be a need for further analyzing... unless he thinks this is going to get in the way of his grades.

I don't like how he posted it so directly on Tumblr. The first part kinda made me cring. I hope you're okay, Irene."

I understand what Kevin is saying but he needs to realize that if he's already whole then he has nothing to lose being with you.

Unless he feels that this is going to get in the way of his dreams.

I'm sorry that you feel that I'm holding you back. Maybe I am. Maybe this really is KARMA BITING ME IN THE F!CKING ASS because that's exactly how I felt with Gabe. I felt that he was holding me back at a time when I was meant to fly. So I ran away from him... but God granted him the understanding to let me go. And we... are still friends. Even today. Good friends. I owe him so much for his generous amount of understanding, but when we did speak thoroughly about our situation, I remember he just told me, "I understood. You'd been under lock and key you're entire life and I thought, 'Who am I to hold her back from the freedom she needs?'"

Is that the kind of understanding I need to pray for right now?

Or should I fight for something different?

Would a relationship with me really hold you back? I know the way I had been acting since April, but that was because I wasn't whole and that was because I had others' standards in my head and that was because I was lost when I didn't know I was.

But now... after WYD 2011 Madrid.... I am whole.

I am complete. And I don't need you.

AND YET, my heart would like to share my life with you. Maybe not my entire life, because that is too soon to tell, but part of my life. My life right now, I would like to share with you.

It f!cking hurts to want someone in your life when you know that they don't want you in theirs.

And for once, I know pure rejection.

But basically, what I want to figure out is if I could be by your side while you achieve these dreams. Or do you really not want me there, anyone there? You make it seem that it's not ME but that it's ANYONE. That you would just rather be alone.

Is that really it?

Is it because part of you really really fears death, as you've told me, and the accompanying fear with that is dying before achieving your childhood dreams?

What I want to ask you is if any of your dreams include love.

I feel that it is not my place to say this because I really have no right and I really do have bursts of anger and sadness but I must say that you are being so selfish.

You tell me that it's for your parents, but truthfully, the rest of yourself is doing it for yourself. It's amazing how much I was capable of giving you, and how much you were capable of rejecting it.

Your ambition is dangerous. I'd never come across this before in someone, truthfully. In the light of your ambition, I've realized that I don't live for myself. I didn't think you lived for yourself either, but you are concretely continuing to prove me wrong. Your entire Tumblr front page right now is proving me wrong.

I shouldn't hold it against someone for pursuing their childhood dreams. But I still think that it isn't goodness when you are willing to disregard those around you just to achieve your goals.

For such a gentle person, you are deadly ambitious. And while I loved you and probably still do, I don't know if I'm willing to sacrifice my love to those jaws.

I don't know how much of this I will still stand by when Sunday night arrives.