I've had enough of this long distance,
So I'm driving down to see you for the day.
Stay awhile. See your smile.
And when it's time to go,
You give me a kiss before I get away.
In spite of the obvious,
The distance of the cry,
We want to get on with us.
But it's only by and by
That we discern the me from we,
Giving only selflessly.
So I've had the time to think about things driving,
But I'm not sure just how clear my thoughts have been.
Distance makes my thinking more erratic than the norm.
Missing you knows nowhere...
Just when.
--"Distance" by Kaskade.
Well. You can only imagine how much I related to this song when I found it a couple of days after the Wednesday I spent with him.
I was stuck between this song and another Kaskade song, but then I realized that this one was more special to me since it spoke of that one day we spent together.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I remember the DAY BEFORE.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
My away from that day:
Just got home. SO EXHAUSTED. Not only am I all sore all over from all the walking I did today, but my right pinky toe also hurts because I just dropped my cell phone smack on it. lmfaoo.
So... by Khoa's definition, I am "one-fourth on my way to actually having an actual human existence" LOL, because today I:
- Ate at Shake Shack.
- Learned my coat has pockets! YAY.
- Successfully navigated Central Park.
- Successfully sewed and gave away my first [horrible] plushie. :D
I have yet to:
- Go boating in Central Park.
- Go biking through Central Park. xDD
- Go to the Guggenheim.
- Go to the Museum of Natural History.
- Climb a damn tree.
- Climb a damn rock.
- Climb something that's damn unclimbable XD.
- Do a handstand on the edge of a fountain.
- Stand on the edge of a cliff.
- Stand atop the highest wall of that castle place xD.
- Wear mittens.
- TAKE MORE THAN ONE PICTURE OF MYSELF. DX RAWR.
Huh. I have a lot of human existence to fulfill. xD
:D
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This "kid" has certainly lived life much more than I have. I admire his dreams.
I have all these idealistic, romantic notions. All these fucking... dramatic thoughts. It happens often when I feel sad without him, or when he is feeling sad and he is without me (like when he has a panic attack online with me in a mere IM window)
... I start to imagine how things would be like if we were sad together. How I could hold him, or he could hold me, or how we could hold each other. How we could just cry about our fortunate existences which are made all the more tragic by their unfortunate bumps and unfortunate endings.
When I spent time with him that day, none of these idealistic, romantic notions were fulfilled. Instead, all that were were smiles, laughs, jokes, and just a "plain good old time" in the epitome of its meaning.
I do not know how he does it. Perhaps it's because I possess the knowledge of approximately how much time he has left on this earth. To live life. But he has this way of having fun, of just being happy, despite still having that slight burden of pain. No -- he has this way of having fun, of just being happy, WHILE still having that slight burden of pain. And so, that light-hearted fun is made all the more serious because of that slight burden of grief.
... I can't fucking explain it.
Okay. I guess what I mean is that all the fun we have together is made much heavier, much more invaluable, because of what I know about him.
Sometimes I fear that he is in denial. My rationality is something like, "How the hell can he possibly enjoy life when he knows how soon it is going to end?" But that only speaks of my own incapacities. Only God knows if I would ever learn to live life if I knew I wouldn't reach the age of 30.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
He called me that morning. It was odd, because he didn't need directions this time. He didn't have anything specific in mind to talk about either. I got a strange vibe from the call. A kind of vibe as if he was testing the waters, if he was making sure that I was still going -- making sure that WE were really going to do this. We were going to hang out together, alone, for the first time. I got the vibe that he was testing the chemistry, testing if we really could get along alone together.
We originally said we were going to meet up at 1:30, but we were both late, lmfao. I told my parents that Khoa was going to fly out of JFK at 5, and that I was going with Moleca and Ivy to see him off at the airport because "his uncle had to work". In reality, Khoa decided he wasn't going to head back to Cali, and therefore cancelled his flight; in reality, I was going to the city by myself to spend some time with him, he who had spent more time with my friends than with me during his stay.
So I took the 2 train down to Times Square. I put my phone on airport mode so my dad couldn't track me, and then for about 75% of the train ride there, I prayed. I went through my usual cycle of prayers, aiming them for different goals and people. Especially for the success of this day, because I could really get in trouble for what I was doing.
When I reached the Square, I got off as soon as possible and ran to the big McDonald's, because I REALLY had to pee. [Insert taking a picture for a cute Asian couple and Christina Linehan and Ashley Vega totally spotting me.] Thank God I knew where to find a bathroom at the Square, or I would have died DX XD.
I called him as soon as I got out. Funny enough, he was as close as he could have been without notice, waiting in front of the Applebees by the Empire 25 theater. I told him where I was, and he said to meet halfway at Madame Tussauds. But even before we hung up, I was already walking.
When we saw each other, I was happy. He had a big grin on his face, the excited kind that should have been how he looked when he first met me for "Judgement Day". Then again, who can smile on a day that you have given that name, lol.
We hugged immediately; there was no awkwardness. Then we began walking and talking, and he told me that he prank-called Chris, pretending to be a rep from Stanford with a British accent, hahahaa. Great stuff. Then I pulled out my iPod Touch to look at the MapQuest directions I had saved in my picutres pictures library, and lmfaoo, he told me how happy he was to find out that he wasn't the only person who did that XD.
We took the R to 5th Avenue, so that I could take him to the 5th Avenue Apple store. We sat next to each other in a two-seat, which was awkward because the two-weat perpendicular to us had a couple kissing. And he put his right leg across his knee, and we kept touching. The penis in me noticed that.
We talked the whole way -- I don't remember about what, but eventually, we were taking the glass elevator down into the store. I whipped out my camera, and started taking pictures of him, of course. He wore headphones, walked around and tried to find something to buy, all while I was trying to keep his money in his pocket, haha. Things were very chill. I was getting hot and had to put my heavy jacket off my shoulders, but eventually, we took the elevator back up so I could lead him to Central Park in all its autumnal glory.
Lord, I really thank you for that day and for nature itself. Without Central Park, we wouldn't have had such a good time.
By this time, I had the camera permanently on my wrist, and surprisingly enough, Khoa wasn't picture-shy. I had to document his stay, after all, since he hadn't brought any kind of camera with him! rawr, lol.
I have to admit that this time in the park was completely different from when I had come here, holding hands, with Casey. Completely different from BOTH times we had gone to the park. Khoa and I had even past the bench where Casey and I had sat on before >_>
We actually walked into the park from a different entrance than I had originally planned. It's a good thing I printed out the entire map! lmfaoo.
But yeah, we ended up walking through the zoo first. It was a brisk but dreary day outside, and he said he loved the weather like this.
"I would just take off this coat, it's so hot!"
"You're just like Paul!"
"I would take off everything and walk around... but I would be revealing things that I'd rather stay private." LMAO.
But yeah, we just walked, following the paths on my map. I don't remember what we talked about, but it definitely wasn't like the small talk Casey and I had. I guess I have learned that there are differing levels of conversation.
I like my level with Khoa better.
We walked underneath the Delacorte Music Clock and decided that if it played its jingle all the time, it must be unbearably obnoxious for the animals in the zoo.
I took PLENTY of pictures of him. The best part was that he really didn't mind my creeperiness, nor my commands to "Move left!" or "Go there!" In fact, he came up with a bunch of good pictures all on his own, haha. =w=
I took pictures of him on Bethesda Terrace, and then when we walked through, he started doing his showing-off daredevil thang by doing a handstand on the edge of the fountain. I was impressed, haha. Past that was the lake.
Past that was The Lake. He strongly suggested we go boating. I strongly suggested we do not. He went so far as to check the boating prices and to imitate the rowing motion, but I vehemently refused.
Why? Well, I can't swim, and honestly, that would have felt soo date-ish. Too much for my comfort when this wasn't confirmed to be a real date anyways... He didn't look too disappointed when I refused anyhow. I took a couple of scenic pictures with him in them to make up for it.
Then we kept on walking. Never was it awkward -- though I'll never use the fucking word "comfortable" again for anyone, rawr -- and it was just the epitome of "pleasant". I saw a tree with a low branch and I pointed and was like, "Sit on that branch!" And then the fool stepped on that branch and climbed up a couple more. I took a bunch of pictures of him then.
Hm. I wonder how he felt to have me facing him like that, to have my camera so focused on him. Did that feel intimate to him? It didn't to me in that moment, but now that I think about it... I really wonder what he was thinking, if he was thinking anything at all.
To me now, these pictures are intimate. I captured this ever-fleeing idea that is he in the fear that I will lose him or never see him again.
I took a picture of him drinking freezing water out of a freezing fountain (x_x) and of the "boojee" (LOL) "Boathouse," which was a really ritzy restaurant.
And THEN, right after we passed that, was a freaking bike rental booth! He then suggested we rent a pair of bikes. I strongly suggested we do not, insisting that I would just sprain my ankle and then have to explain to my parents how I got it. He gave in again. Thinking back on it, I don't regret my decisions, though I really hope that he knows I wasn't rejecting him in any way.
AND THEN.
AND THENNNN.
Was the unclimbable rock. LOL. Whatta a silly butt, that daredevil he.
We were trying to find our way through the "Forever Wild" conservation section for that rocky slope that watched over The Lake. Instead, we found an amazing, almost-teetering rock. I told him he should go climb it. We walked up to it, and a teenage couple scurried away from behind the rock. We silently agreed that that was awkward.
And so began his escapade to climb The Rock.
I was absolutely scared that he was going to hurt himself. He tried getting foot traction first, which didn't work. Then he tried leaping at it, like... Spider-man. Or something. I laughed. And then wondered if he would ever fall to the point where I should catch him, lol.
Then he took off his belt. I laughed harder. He thew his belt up once as if it would catch something and I giggled.
Then he just threw the belt down and pulled up his sleeves, and leaped high enough to get enough footing to climb. I was thoroughly impressed. Especially by the brown boxers that were in my clear view, hahaa. Of course, I didn't send him that picture xD.
I took a bunch of King-of-the-Rock shots, but then we had to figure out a way for him to get down. I remember literally saying, "Uh, should you jump and I'll try to catch you?" o_O
He eventually just slid down, facing the rock, and dropped down to the foundation. He hands were hurting because they got chafed, and I just shook my head in disbelief. This daredevil! xD. Thinking back on it, I wish I would have taken his hands in mine and blown on them. But really, the vibe was so friend-like that the thought hadn't even occurred to me at that time, rawr.
We walked some more, enjoying the natural scenery. We came upon the "quiet zone" of Turtle Pond, and some guy told Khoa while he was trying to take a panorama, "Dude, there's an alligator!" But lmfao, Khoa was unshaken, and I stared at the guy with a smile on my face. Khoa later tells me, "Psh, I'm from California. Alligators don't scare us!"
Here, we both agreed that the water was disgusting (because there was green stuff floating all around the surface, ew), and that we were both confused as to why the fuck it was called Turtle Pond when there were no toitles, only ducks.
We spotted the beautiful castle across the lake and endeavored to make our way there. It was somewhere here that we encountered an actual park map, as opposed to the printout I was holding, and LMAO, then we both realized that we couldn't brag to everyone that we had walked the entire length of the park... because my map was, in fact, only the BOTTOM HALF of the entire park. We laughed a little about that.
As we searched for the castle, Khoa was disappointed by how not-great the Great Plains (AKA from August Rush) was supposed to be.
"DECEMBER SPRINT WOULD NEVERR PLAY HERE!!!"
Oh my God -- LMFAOO! Best joke ever xD. Referencing August Rush, of course.
=w=
We passed the Delacorte Theater, and finally made our way to the Belvedere Castle, which was honestly, really beautiful. I took a ton of pictures. We climbed each level -- the first part, which was a long flight of stairs heading up to it, was secluded by beautiful bush on both sides, and it honestly would have been pretty romantic, if the mood called for that. There were about 3 levels, each requiring passing through a very narrow staircase. He tried to scare me at one point when I was going down. I totally hit him that time.
On the second level, we looked over the edge, in awe at the sheer drop. For another moment that day, we had the same thought: "Wow, what would happen if we fell over?" He did some stupid things, like launching himself to sit on the wall, and I really hit him and tugged at him to get down, that fool. He even swung his leg over it, rawr!
Then when we got to the tippity-top level, it was a really nice view. The sky could have been prettier if it were sunset or it it were sunny, but either way, it was a really nice view of the skyline. Unfortunately, a cute couple came up and started taking pictures of each other standing on the topmost wall. We were going to copy them, but they stayed up with us, the girl lying down on the ground and the guy taking pictures of her. It wasn't awkward, but we were totally trying to play ignorant to their cuteness. When more people came up, we gave up and wanted to go down to the second level, where the little crest enclosure was now free (you could sit in it).
He went down ahead of me, and then disappeared. I thought he was going to scare me again, so I kept going down, slowly and completely on my guard. I finally exited the castle and looked around... but he had disappeared.
Wth???
Then I heard him call me: "Rini, w-t-f, you went down??"
I looked up, and he was sitting in the crest on the second level. I had completely forgot that's where we were going! He started laughing at me, and I semi-stomped up the stairs to get back to where he was.
I paused for a moment to take a picture of him sitting in the crest through the window of the main tower.
Then I went to meet him there. We talked some more, had some more synchronous thoughts, and then we left the castle. We had finally reached the top of my map and didn't really have anywhere else to go. We decided we were quite hungry, around about 4:15, so then we made our way to the Upper West side. He pulled out his iPhone and used the Urbanspoon app to figure where we should go. As he shook it and looked at it,I went closer next to him to read his screen.
And SURPRISINGLY ENOUGH, a freaking SHAKE SHACK came up on his iPhone. He went a little crazy and vowed to take me there. We walked down the path, and I focused on my map printout, trying to figure out where we could exit. I knew there was a couple ahead, but I just wanted to ignore them. But when I looked up, there were getting a little tongue-busy, and Khoa and I completely about-faced, and he tugged me away a bit. Eventually, though, after we realized we had to walk in that direction, the two separated and let us walk through in peace.
We walked out of the park and saw the Museum of Natural History. Then we cautiously navigated our way to the Shake Shack.
We passed more "boojee" restaurants (ritzy) -- AKA, the stupid way to be smart because boojee = bourgeois -- and the rich fool kept suggesting each one.
"Oh, how about Italian?...
"Ever have sushi before?"
"Of course!... But not really legit sushi, just like... California rolls...."
"Psh! That doesn't count! Want to eat here!"
"... nahhh."
We finally found the Shake Shack, and he said that it was quite better than the one at Union Square, because this one was indoors. They built a little outdoor glass thing, like at George's, so the place had a nice city feel to it. I stared at the menu for a bit. At this point, I had slipped off my jacket to reveal my favorite purple blouse, and I could sense him staring, if only slightly.
"So... what are you ordering?"
"Uh... I don't know yet, hm..."
"........ Well?"
"HEY. STOP TRYING TO ORDER FOR ME. I SEE WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO."
"I'm not doing anything!"
I told the cashier I wanted the single Shack burger with pickles, lettuce, and tomatoes, and also got fries with Coke. Then when she asked if we were together, Khoa handed her his goddamn card and ordered his meal too.
I legitly smacked him hard and unrestrained on the arm for that.
They gave us these Shake Shack vibrator things that would vibrate when our orders were ready. As we went to find seats, I took a five out of my bag and carefully snuck it into his back pocket, and I was incredibly proud of my accomplishment. Then we went to sit at the high table, because it was the only place, and a black lady sat down next to us after asking if the spot was free. She was kind of observing our antics too, haha.
He kept getting text updates from Twitter at the table, but within five minutes, my shaker shook. I went to get my order, and when I walked back to the table, he was holding his iPhone in a way that almost looked like he was taking a picture of me. But I asked him, and I supposed he wasn't.
I began eating my delicious burger, and then he realized that he hadn't asked for any condiments for his burger -- meaning it would be made plain. He ran to the counter, leaving his iPhone with me, haha, to fix his order. Then he kept grabbing his shaker, pretending like it would shake in his hand when he grabbed it, because 15 minutes later, his order had still yet to come. I joked with him, saying that they were angry that he had to change his order and were, therefore, taking longer.
Eventually, the shaker shook. He went to get his double Shack burger, and he offered me some of his cheese fries. I said, "Later," to which he responded, "They won't be there later." I laughed and said, "Good point."
I gladly dipped some of my own delicious fries into his cheese (I just lol'd writing while that -- I'm such a pervert =.=;), and I have to admit that that must have been THE best burger I have ever had.
After spending the time talking and just flowing pleasantly off each other, we eventually checked the time. 4:45 o'clock. Damn.
It was obvious that neither of us wanted to leave. But I had to be back by 6, and therefore, on a train quite soon.
He grabbed a Shake Shack bag as a souvenir, and he claimed he was going to tape it up on his wall, haha. We stood a little because I had to put my coat on and bundle up for the cold weather.
We walked outside, and my hands were freezing because I didn't have gloves and I was holding my cup of Coke. I then asked him to hold it for a second so I could readjust my hands, using my sleeves to carry the cold cup. At some point, the Coke escaped the cup and got all over my black coat -- I SMH'D at it, and "threw it on the ground" -- well, really, into a trash can -- but we both laughed hard about my SNL reference xD. It was also somewhere here that I mentioned that I have never worn mittens, and he concluded that I still had a shitload of life to live, for I only possessed one-fourth of a human existence! xD.
We tried to follow his GPS directions to catch the 1, but we ended up walking 2 long blocks in the wrong direction before we finally righted ourselves. When we walked through the rich Upper West Side apartments, we agreed that we would love to live there. And it was also here that he helped me realize that my coat ACTUALLY HAD POCKETS. It totally made my day. "It was the same case with my tuxedo jacket -- you just have to snip the thread and open it."
We asked a very knowledgeable lady about where the 1 trains stop was when we reached Amsterdam Avenue. When we found it, there was a train there already, but I refused to catch it. We stayed there, just talking, and I must have let three trains pass by. Amazingly enough, they were only about 5 minutes apart.
I brought up his itinerary and how he was going to pay all his travel plans, and he told me quite convincingly, "Oh, I have a LOT of money. I've been saving up for this for awhile." That put my mind at ease for a bit.
When we both faced the fact that I had already missed too many trains, I took out Frankie. He was really surprised and said, "Aww," while I tried to play it off as, "Oh, this is what I was going to mail to you as a thank-you for my birthday gift, but I figured I might as well give it here... I know that it really sucks."
And then I gave him a deep hug, and went through the turnstile to try to catch the train that had already stopped. But fail. By then the doors had already closed. I went back to the gate, and he laughed at me when he saw I had missed the train. I stood there by the gate, and we talked some more. I explained to him that I had named it Frankie, because I named it after Frankenstein's horridly ugly creature. But I also praised him, saying it was my very first creation, and that it came out so much better than it possibly could have.
When the next train came, we shared a mutual feeling of not wanting to part. But we had to. He put up his hand to wave, and I moved in to give him a hand-hug -- and he looked completely confused. I explained it to him quickly, and then said bye, and walked to the train door. When I got on, I searched for him, but could no longer find him in the crowd. That mother. He never looks back.
On the way back, I recycled through my canon of prayers in thanksgiving for the success of the day. I also prayed for Khoa himself, for his travels, and his adventures. Then I prayed for my parents, trying not to give in to seething anger. I was just feeling so content inside.
I fell asleep. When I awoke, we were already above ground, and so I got my cell off airport mode and called Moleca to 3-way, just in case my dad asked to speak to her or something. In the morning, I had told her to have her phone on her at all times.
When I called my dad, everything seemed completely fine. I prayed a little more that everything would go on without a hitch.
I was paranoid until the last moment. Within the front doors of my building, I called Moleca to see if she would know what the AirTrain looked liked, and if it was underground or above ground. I just needed to be sure, in case my parents tried to trap me or something. Turns out that I didn't even need the information, because indeed, when I got home, my dad came out of his room with that teasing c: face of his. I told him that everything went well. I even told him about Frankie.
He just said to me, "Aren't youu happy now? You got to see your friend off."
He had no idea.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What do I want?
I want him to stay here so we can have more memories together. So I can know more about him. So I could take care of him. And I miss his presence when I think about him and he's not around; I know I tend to get... "carried away"... with my feelings for boys, but I feel like this is made much more serious by his running hourglass.
Argh. I, I, I, I. Would I still be feeling the same way if I didn't know?
Well, I know that I would be worried as FUCK that he wasn't going back to school. But yes, I would still care for him as much as I do now.
There is something biting at my consciousness.
If we are ever meant to be together, what would I do?
How would I deal?
From the way he speaks, he won't have a child. Nor a family. How about a wife?
In the end, it would hurt me if I were ever in this end-bound relationship.
Sometimes I worry if what I think I want is not really what I truly want. I am worried that my belief in my superficial, incomplete human existence, is the reason why I am willing to carry such a threatening burden. Do I want to be with him because he will make my existence worthwhile, or because I would make HIS existence worthwhile?
It should be the latter. My thoughts take that path the most often. The opposite notion just hit me a moment ago, and I shall not dwell on it too much.
I will miss him.
It's amazing how life turns sometimes, isn't it?