Kevin 7/26/11 11:09 PM
The weekend was truly unforgettable. It renewed everyone.
Me 7/26/11 11:09 PM
:']
7/26/11 11:09 PM
I heard :'].
7/26/11 11:09 PM
Glad to hear. Renewal is always good :]
Kevin 7/26/11 11:09 PM
Been creeping i see
Me 7/26/11 11:09 PM
Do you not know me?
7/26/11 11:09 PM
:]
Kevin 7/26/11 11:10 PM
Yeah, I just can't really describe it though. Like my fellow graduate...one had to be there.
7/26/11 11:10 PM
The way BLD Youth holds a retreat is VASTLY different from other types I really belive.
Me 7/26/11 11:10 PM
I hear this a lot about retreats. The Emmaus Retreat at Preston has a code of silence lol.
7/26/11 11:10 PM
Simply because you can't describe what you go through to anyone who wasn't there.
Kevin 7/26/11 11:10 PM
I imagined you at some points at how you would be and I was like "oh man...Irene would totally be bawling and participating and etc.."
Me 7/26/11 11:11 PM
Bawling, yes.
7/26/11 11:11 PM
Would have loved to go, but it wasn't meant to be lol.
7/26/11 11:11 PM
Maybe next year lol?
Kevin 7/26/11 11:11 PM
Definitely go.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
12:03 AM
I differentiate between being sexual and being intimate.
Kevin 12:03 AM
Okay. No sex before marriage
Me 12:03 AM
Duh. I told you this.
Kevin 12:03 AM
And no sleeping together
Me 12:03 AM
lol.
12:03 AM
Figured.
12:04 AM
I differentiate between being intimacy and being sexual.
12:04 AM
Even on my Tumblr, I differentiate in the tags.
12:04 AM
I believe there's a difference.
Kevin 12:04 AM
you can't really differentiate bc being intimate is being sexual
Me 12:04 AM
Sexual involves purely physical.
12:04 AM
Intimacy involves an emotional connection, and emotional closeness.
Kevin 12:04 AM
intimacy, not quite sex sex, is still sexually driven
Me 12:04 AM
I feel that with you.
12:05 AM
It depends, as I said, a lot on self-control.
12:05 AM
I felt intimacy with you the morning at Lee's house.
12:05 AM
I wasn't giving you a handjob. I was giving you a head massage.
12:05 AM
I differentiate.
12:05 AM
My BODY may not.
12:05 AM
Because our bodies are programmed that way.
12:05 AM
So yeah, maybe I got wet.
12:05 AM
But that's not what I was thinking.
12:05 AM
I consciously choose to differentiate between being sexual and being intimate.
12:05 AM
Of course, the priest is right
12:05 AM
because if you let it, one can lead to the other
12:06 AM
specifically from being intimate to sexual. Usually the other way around is harder and not ideal anyway.
12:06 AM
But it's all about awareness, consciousness, and self-control.
12:06 AM
I always say this lol.
12:06 AM
Like
12:06 AM
I've always wanted to stop how
12:06 AM
our naps and our cuddling lead to sexual acts. Because that wasn't sitting right with me when I reflected on it.
12:06 AM
But contrary to the priest
12:07 AM
I believe that it's not the cuddling or the sleeping together, it's where they can lead.
12:07 AM
So in a way, he's right.
12:07 AM
But I believe that if one has proper self-control, intimacy can be achieved without sexuality.
12:07 AM
And that's a mantra of mine.
12:07 AM
The mind has to control the body.
12:08 AM
But yeah. That's just my point of view.
12:08 AM
Everyone is entitle dto their own opinion lol.
- - - - - - - - - -
12:09 AM
That's kind of what we have lol.
12:09 AM
We havee an intimate friendship.
12:09 AM
o.o
Kevin 12:10 AM
Okay...honestly...hmm I don't know how to put this
12:10 AM
It's regarding how I feel about me in this relationship.
Me 12:11 AM
Then it's up to you to put it into your own words
Kevin 12:11 AM
Well, here it is:
12:21 AM
I'm stilll trying to find myself and see if I am ready for the future I am preparing for both academically and spiritually and emotionally and relationship-ly. Often, I'm not really sure what to feel about you. Over freshmen year, I got to really know you, like you, and then fall for you...but now...I've been vacillation to "Do you like her? Do you love her?" It breaks me to say that I can't definitively say that I truly love you because I truly don't know yet. I'm still not sure. It breaks my heart to see how much effort you are putting into this relationship and how little I am putting into it comparatively. Is there a future for us? Maybe. I'm not sure. But, I honestly feel that I'm still unsure if I really really head-over-heels love you. I feel like you have/are in that position towards me (really really love me in the way that you see being with me for many years). So, I'm nervous about the future for us and I don't know if I'm ready/know how to handle what can happen. Academically for me, I feel like I'm going to put more of a strain on this relationship and when I pursue medicine everything will just inevitably get harder. I have to say that I love you for the person you are..but do I love you because I love you as my girlfriend and significant other? I'm unsure... This is the first time I put myself out there and I hope that you can understand somewhat of what I've been feeling and going through. And looking at the present and future and Youth Encounter and thinking about my life and what I want out of it...everything is just meshing together into a complex web that I have to take time to really figure out.
Me 12:22 AM
I'm really glad that Youth Encounter got you to think about this because this is the most honesty I've gotten from you to say to me.
12:23 AM
I think a lot so I've covered all the bases in my thinking. I'm not heartbroken or heart-dying, or whatever you thought might happen, because I already considered this a possibility. So safe to say, I'm not surprised. I figured as much.
12:24 AM
I'm sorry that I make you feel so bad. I don't want to break your heart. It's hilarious actually how we break each other's hearts without even meaning to, all the time.
12:25 AM
I'm not asking you to marry me. I've simply been asking you if you see enough potential in us to try for a relationship. I don't know what kind of love you're looking for, and I know that you don't even know that yourself. I have just wanted to know if you were willing to hold on so that we could both seee if it could amount to something.
12:27 AM
I'm relatively in the same boat as you. Because... lol. I love your type. You're the kind of guy/man/half-man I'm looking for. But sometimes, you don't treat me the way I think I should be treated. And love's a bitch sometimes, because it gives me the power to "overcome that" (really, ignore it) because I feel like I want to hold on to see how this relationship will turn out with you.
12:27 AM
I know you're not in love with me. But the strange/sad/whatthef!ck thing is that I'm okay with that right now.
12:28 AM
It's just like... my question from the beginning is if you think you could fall in love wiht me, and if you were willing to try. I'm just sorry that all of this puts so much pressure on you right now when you're beginning to discover that there are some aspects of you, of your being, and of your life that you don't know about yourself yet. Perhaps I know myself better than you know yours, just at the current moment.
12:31 AM
Trust me when I say the honeymoon girlfriend phrase has long been over for me. lol. I seriously almost broke up with you around the time of our 3-month. I'm no longer head-over-heels in love with you, lmao, whatever squealing, obsessive, loveydovey girl-portrait you think that phrase paints. But as I've written on my Tumblr, I'm trying to live life with a little idealism. And if you're the type of man I can marry, then why shouldn't I give it my best shot? Yes, I put a lot of effort, but that's because I'm working to stay in this relaitonship. They say that love is work, and I never understood that better than this summer. Which is why I consider myself in love with you. Because I've put more effort into you than I ever have with anyone else, but that's also because I see potential with you than I ever have with anyone else.
12:33 AM
They always say that falling in love isn't a choice, but staying in love is, and I understand that now. But yes, that doesn't account for the fact that you're not in love with me. But I think a factor in that too was the way I might have started acting in the beginning, when I got carried away with my emotions and just all the other stuff of a relationship. Because I've been in a relationship before, and when I started a relationship with you, I assumed that all those initial relationship stuff was going to ensue too: AKA the Honeymoon Phase. But lol, you've never been in a relationship before, so I suppose our expectations at the very beginning were very different, and so that may have caused some conflict.
12:37 AM
I don't know what this distance has done for us. I hope that it's been some sort of window to getting you to communicate more, because you really like to lose yourself in just yourself. And that's the kind of person that's not ready for a relationship. But yeah, serious relationships are all about effort, so while I'm not holding you to the same expectations as I may have ignorantly done in the past, I'm still holding on. It's because I see the potential. There are too many questions to fully state them all, but I know that one of the questions is if you see enough potential in us to work towards keeping a relationship.
I've tried to be "good". lol. I've learned to hold my own in this relationship much better now than I did when we started. It has obviously been different than what I may have expected in the beginning, but that's my fault for expecting it. I realize that you really did jump into this head first. The question remains whether you want to jump out of it, or if you think you can recover from the shock.
12:38 AM
I don't know lol. I'm rambling or something.
12:39 AM
I also feel like one of your biggest doubts about this relationship is that you think we may be at different levels concerning the extent of our "love" for the other.
12:41 AM
Everything doesn't come at the same time. It was my fault for ignorantly drowning you in love without realizing that you can really scare someone away with that. Like Nik did to Susan. It sucks because a lot of this deals with the future, and we don't know what's going to happen in the future. It's all potential, future, "do you think you can or may or will?" I want to ask you if you think you'll ever fall in love with me, but it's unfair of me to ask that because there's no way for you to know.
12:41 AM
I talk too much. I need you to talk now.
Kevin 12:47 AM
I feel like there is a possibility of me falling in love with you. Sometimes, I see things in you that can make me fall in love with you but then the nervous doubting me is unsure of those thoughts. Okay, honestly, you have so many of the things that everyone - I - want in a girlfriend/significant other/wife. I just want to punch myself and really know why I don't have the immediate feelings of love when I talk, Skype, text, and see you. And yes, I am scared of breaking off this relationship because there is always that chance of things working out. But, I have to consider that things might not get better and what if she's really not the one. ... ugh
12:48 AM
Like it scares me that everytime I communicate with you I don't have the butterflies in my stomach or great joy or other things associated with the person you really love.
Me 12:49 AM
... I can't say that I feel exactly that either nowadays lol. But I still appreciate talking with you.
Did you ever have butterflies, like ever? Were you happy to see me at the reunion?
Kevin 12:51 AM
No, I don't think I ever got butterflies because we started out as friends and then I just got so close to you that those butterfly feelings didn't exist for me cuz being with you was natural. But, I really was happy seeing you again at the reunion.
Me 12:51 AM
Yeahhhh, makes sense.
12:51 AM
Hm.
Kevin 12:52 AM
Ugh, this reminds me of that quote that you only have three loves in your life and that one of them is to a friend...and it says that it doesn't work out or something..
Me 12:52 AM
lololololol.
12:52 AM
Yeah.
12:52 AM
I remember that hahahaa
Kevin 12:52 AM
and it FOREVER mars that friendship
Me 12:52 AM
O_O
12:53 AM
My head hurts so much from constantly re-evaluating everything lol.
12:54 AM
I was really close to you. I still am. We are still best friends.
I was also physically attracted to you.
12:54 AM
I'm trying to figure out where the supposed love came in lol.
12:55 AM
I wonder what I am looking for now, too. lol.
Kevin 12:55 AM
I feel like crying out of frustration
Me 12:55 AM
I know what you mean.
12:55 AM
Mostly now, I feel like crying because my head hurts lol.
12:57 AM
You look like you really want to say something so I'm not typing anymore lol.
Kevin 12:59 AM
I feel like you deserve better. And I find myself attracted to other girls...but...they're not you. I feel like if we break up now, I would be in the phase of okay what now. But then, I feel that I would try to find another girl/woman who could compare with you and I'm scared of that. Uncertainty is eating me.
Me 12:59 AM
It eats both of us.
Kevin 1:00 AM
I feel like I would try to find someone who is like you. But I would never find her because you're the only you.
1:00 AM
And I've never broken up with anyone before so I feel like that fear also plays a role...but it's more than that obviously.
Me 1:01 AM
I constantly fluctuate between thinking that you deserve better than me and that I deserve you.
Kevin 1:02 AM
me too
Me 1:03 AM
It's not our fourth monthsary yet. We're talking about sh!t too early. Just kidding.
Kevin 1:03 AM
Okay, unrelated, but the Chris Tomlin lyric video is paused on: "For greater things have yet to come." 0__0
Me 1:03 AM
lolll, Completely unrelated.
1:04 AM
I still need you to talk some more. Perhaps I'm still not sure what you're unsure about.
Kevin 1:06 AM
Okay, and what gets me sometimes is that I'm not READY to tell my parents about you/let you personally meet them as my girlfriend because their opinions would mean a lot...
Me 1:07 AM
I understand that. That's part of the reason why I don't want to tell my parents either. As I've told you, I would only inform them when I know that I have something serious and long-lasting that they'd really need to know about for the future.
1:08 AM
I assume that on your end, however, it's because I might not fulfill some standards of your that remain lol.
I have to be honest. This relationship has been really, really, really tough for me. You probably figured that. The one thing that keeps me from breaking it off is that I really see potential with you. I can see us being successful and married and holy and in love and happy.
But one of my standards for a husband, as I've told you before, is that he should love me as much as I love him. I want us to be deeply, madly in love, forever (because that's the love that overflows to the children, etc., as I've said.) So one of my fears with you is if you'll ever feel that way with me. Because that is the one standard that I should never overlook.
So before you judge me by your standards, never forget that I have to judge you by mine too lol.
1:09 AM
I just had to put that out there, idk. I'm rambling probably.
1:12 AM
There are too many factors.
One thing to be said also is that usually, people start a relationship with one another because they see potential in falling in love with each other. But that love doesn't actually happen months, months, months in. Usually.
Another thing to be said is that it is in your character to worry. You worry. A lot. Especially about the future. So there's always a possibility that it could just be your mind being itself and doing what it always does -- except this time, it's kind of trashing our relationship and what we could be. lol.
1:12 AM
But all in all, there are flip sides to everything.
Another question remains of whether you're willing to stick it out with me even with the doubts, and if I'm willing to stick it out with you even though I know you doubt us.
Kevin 1:15 AM
I'm not worrying about THIS because it's defaulted by who I am. It's because of all the emotional chaos and uncertaintly that's making me worry.
Me 1:15 AM
I don't know what THIS refers to lol.
Kevin 1:15 AM
Yes, I will stick with you as long as we're meant to last. Could be months. Could be forever. It's in God's will.
Me 1:16 AM
I believe that, too.
And that's all I need to know, really.
Kevin 1:17 AM
I feel like we've shared more about our relationship than our parents did theirs. it makes me laugh (horrible I know) in the inside.
Me 1:18 AM
lmao yes.
Kevin 1:19 AM
And the thing is, is that I feel like we're blessed. Because, for some reason, we haven't had big all out fights or misunderstandings. It awes me yet calms me yet scares me yet comforts me.
Me 1:19 AM
lmao. It just does everything to you then. o.o
1:19 AM
Misunderstandings only come about with lack of communication.
1:20 AM
I know that any time when I've seemed emotionally upset on my Tumblr about our relationship, its root lies in how I talk so much more than you do.
1:20 AM
It's just our characters, is all. lol.
1:21 AM
I'm scared of the effort thing. About how it might change in times to come.
Kevin 1:22 AM
I'm tearing right now.
Me 1:22 AM
-hug-
Kevin 1:22 AM
maybe its because im also listening to this song
Me 1:22 AM
Killjoy.
1:22 AM
XD
Kevin 1:22 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0Byp7aK2DA&feature=BFp&list=PLF015FDEF434A9BE2&index=7
Me 1:23 AM
"Lord, I love you. I give you my life."
1:23 AM
Have you ever prayed that in the morning?
1:23 AM
My mom once told me that, and I never forgot it.
Kevin 1:23 AM
I proclaim it will all of my being more often nowadays
1:23 AM
especially when I pray.
Me 1:23 AM
Yes.
1:24 AM
It's also a good way to restore your faith in His guidance, when you're scared of the future.
1:24 AM
It's all in God's will.
1:24 AM
This is going to make me tear too lol.
1:25 AM
My mom tells me all the time that if you live your life for God, there's no way you can go wrong.
1:25 AM
Even if it seems like everything is going wrong.
Kevin 1:25 AM
I'm staring at you...and for some reason I momentarily saw you in a bridal veil shining radiantly
Me 1:25 AM
You're scaring me. I think you need sleep. X"D.
1:25 AM
:'''']
[insert crying here]
1:26 AM
Sorry, climax of the song.
1:27 AM
Oh, Christian music.
1:29 AM
We'll live for God and see what happens. Deal.
1:29 AM
?
Kevin 1:29 AM
Deal.
1:29 AM
:)
Me 1:29 AM
I wore your bracelet on Sunday.
Kevin 1:29 AM
:3
Me 1:29 AM
Next to mine.
1:30 AM
We went to Mass at the absolutely beautiful Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception.
1:30 AM
I made my parents stay for two Masses.
1:30 AM
The Basilica is beautiful.
Kevin 1:30 AM
It's gonna be a hard road ahead I feel, but let's walk with God and do our best. Okay, Irene?
Me 1:30 AM
Okay.
1:30 AM
Mary was born immaculate on my birthday. The Basilica was so beautiful and inspiring. I want to take you there some day.
1:31 AM
I'll probably post my pictures on Facebook when I get around to it. It's beautiful.
1:31 AM
There are over 40 shrines to the different names of the Virgin Mary.
1:31 AM
I lit a candle at the shrine of Our Mother of Perpetual Help. Because that's the one I relate with the most.
Kevin 1:31 AM
I've been their with my family a couple years ago and I was in awe of everything there.
Me 1:32 AM
It's the one that has granted me a miracle in the past (Ivy's getting into college).
Kevin 1:32 AM
I would love to go there with you someday.
Me 1:32 AM
Damn, you've already been there lol. :']
Kevin 1:32 AM
Hmm, wedding at the National Cathedral sounds nice doesnt it?
Me 1:33 AM
MAD EXPENSIVE. But nice indeed XDD.
1:33 AM
Can we pray the Rosary together in college?
Kevin 1:33 AM
Definitely. I'll try to memorize the prayers.
1:33 AM
I feel like a fail Catholic on that regard
Me 1:33 AM
I have booklets if anything.
1:33 AM
WORDDDD
1:33 AM
All the older women can recite everything by heart and I'm like -stumble stumble-
1:34 AM
I'm sure She appreciates the effort though lol.
Kevin 1:34 AM
yeah, I have booklets too. I'm gonna try to read Scripture every day and pray and the Rosary
Me 1:34 AM
It'd be nice to do the Rosary at least once a week.
1:34 AM
Even that would be hard with the schedule and stuff.
Kevin 1:35 AM
We have to make time for God and Mother Mary
1:35 AM
despite all else
Me 1:35 AM
Yes, we do.
1:35 AM
That's one good thing about public transporation lol.
1:35 AM
I used to pray on the subway on my way to places.
Kevin 1:35 AM
:)
Me 1:35 AM
I haven't done that this summer yet though. I ought to.
1:35 AM
That was me last summer lol.
Kevin 1:36 AM
And the amount of faith that you love is what I TRULY love in you.
1:36 AM
*that you have
Me 1:36 AM
Trust me, it's one of the things I love in you, too.
1:37 AM
lol. It should be my prerogative to be that holy. xP
1:37 AM
It's truly one of the things that tells me I shouldn't let you go, no matter how emotionally upset I feel. lol.
1:37 AM
I mean, that I see that in you too.
Kevin 1:37 AM
Exactly how I feel with you.
Me 1:38 AM
It's funny, because I never knew my faith would play such a big part in my relationships. When I was younger, it may not have been one of my standards up there.
1:38 AM
I was all non-discriminating, you know?
1:38 AM
But God likes surprises.
Kevin 1:38 AM
Always
Me 1:39 AM
In afterthought, I am now slightly worried how much of my actions would scare you away.
Like, I would want to say, "Good night, I love you." But things like that....?
1:39 AM
I'm jsut being honest. I want you to feel comfortable in this relationship.
Kevin 1:40 AM
No matter if you say it or not, I know that you love me.
1:40 AM
And in many ways I love you too.
Me 1:40 AM
Okay.
1:40 AM
:]