i try to be different... i try to keep myself away from the "pointless drama" that so many of my friends come to me about. away from those guys AND girls that get wrapped up in the moment. those guys that have no observation nor respect for a girl's attachment and sensitivity. those guys that make us FEEL something, and make us believe, for one tiny moment, that that feeling can be, or is, reciprocated. but it ISN'T. at least, not now. and every single time one of those guys lets us down, we get torn farther and farther away from hope, from trust, and open-mindedness. why can't everyone see how taking these leaps of faith and "love" only leads to failure in a world like this and at this time? this is why the walls keep building higher. as i've said before, i hate to admit that i am desiring something. i do desire companionship -- and in so many ways -- in online blogs amidst strangers' comments, in public status messages that reveal little of me to the world, in spending my uneventful time in chat rooms, etc. -sighs- if only i could find something closer to home. - - - - - - - - - - this brings me to my problem. my problem of being an idiot who sometimes says things she doesn't mean. it started with my POE camp... three years ago. and this kid. we were only acquaintances back then. hardly talked at all... we were littler back then. last year was almost the same. this year was better. we knew who the other was. during the year, i had found out that this kid was musically and artistically amazing through his youtube channel. i mean, who knew? and so after this year's POE camp, after spending some random all-nighters together (with other people lolz) and realizing that we get along just fine -- and also realizing that he actually got pretty hot lolz -- four of us POErs start this pattern of daily contact. two guys, two girls. instant messaging, facebooking, chat rooms, video chats, nightly phone calls etc. the other guy and i started teasing the other girl, this obnoxious, attention-hogging, immature, 14-yr-old, freshman, blonde of a girl, that she liked the other guy, "my" guy. just pointless teasing, a mutual attempt to mess with this girl that we both couldn't stand. (btw, i'm sorry if i'm being confusing -- i'm trying to avoid using names lolz.) and so we ended up "brainwashing" her. or something. or maybe, as my best friend has suggested, she saw where the attention was going and just decided to follow. so she told this guy, "my" guy, that she DID have a crush on him. oh my god. -smacks self- -kicks self- -stabs self- it was horrible. how did i do this?? she didn't even pay attention to him during camp. she was too busy focusing on some other boy. what. have. i. just. done. and so... every night now, i become the third wheel. well, close to it. granted, everything i hear about them is from her obnoxious mouth, and i don't trust her at all. but the thing is that HE isn't nearly as opposed to her as i am. and that worries me. the fact that they get along worries me. and i'm not able to talk to him nearly as much as she can via texting (which i don't have). so this begs the question: do i tell him? but what will become of that? awkwardness between me and him. and her too. mutual hate/competition between me and her. loss of the daily times of communication the three of us share. i'm a coward -- i'm afraid of how we well we might or might not get along if we were alone with each other. what can i gain? nothing. except maybe a more "fulfilling" companionship, something more than what i have now. but what can we make of that? nothing. why? because he's in MA, i'm in NY, and she's in NH. a long-distance relationship. HOWEVER... starting september, he will be coming to manhattan every saturday. because the admirable kid got into the pre-college division of frigging JUILLIARD. he's amazing in the outward ways that i can see. his music, his photography, his videos. BUT i still don't know HIM. i don't know what's inside of him. and the thing that's killing me is that i would love to get to know him. so it's back to that first and final question: do i tell him? - - - - - - - - - - i'm sorry for wasting your time with these superficial concerns about my silly infatuations and desires. i hate being typical. and honestly... i'm almost positive that this is just another one of my obsessions in my life's cycle. but in this moment -- right here. right now. it hurts. a lot.