I'm writing this because I'm capable of being a merciless yet rational person.

And I'm writing this here, because I suppose it'll be safe among the rest of these entries.

Even if that small risk of discovery remains, I won't regret this. Because this is something that you need to hear.

Sometimes I feel an overwhelming need to tell you, "Get over it."

With a big slap to the face.

You suffer and try to take the world's pain -- but for what? Nothing comes out of it. You can't deny that you're beating yourself up mentally over the evil in the universe as you stand in the shower, or sit in front of the computer, or lie awake in bed, does anything good for anybody.

So why do you do it?

I'll never understand you, even if one day you could explain and choose to.

And I don't want to understand you. I don't want to be like you to this extent.

I just need for you to snap out of the masochistic, Jesus-complex lifestyle you have.

It's not good for you. It's not good for anybody.

You're just tearing your mind in all the different directions, until the day you snap.

You're unnecessarily crucifying yourself on a cross, and saving no one.

And for that, I have no mercy towards you.

(And then, damn it, you'll just tell yourself, "Good. Because I don't deserve her mercy anyway." Grr, I'll shoot you.)

If you don't want to be a victim, stop making yourself one. There is no strength in this. Your logic got twisted along the way.

You're in pain and you feel like dying for the world? I'm no longer sorry. I'll be merciless, and just say that you just brought it upon yourself.

At least you're right in calling yourself a hypocrite in that way. And a liar, as well as manipulative. Trying to "fake an okay" so we don't worry about you. What kind of backwards logic is that? You keep yourself hurting and in pain, but in secret, so we don't worry about you?

The logical way to go about this would be to open up, to tell us what's wrong, so that we can fix it.

And then there would be nothing to worry about.

You're calling yourself a bad daughter? Selfish?

Get over yourself. It's not true. You know it's not true -- unless you've brainwashed yourself into thinking that. So that you have something else to beat yourself up over more.

I just get so frustrated over this. Over you.

You think that taking on others' burdens to the point of insanity like this makes you strong?

Why do you feel like you must break yourself down to be strong? You're still broken down either way. You think you're strong when you're weak, even though in the back of your mind, you know that you're still weak, and then it hurts more.

You don't like being weak, you don't like feeling like this, in pain for the world, but you bring it upon yourself?

Why do you hurt yourself? What comes of it?

Don't you love yourself?

Don't you love yourself?

If you don't, then you really need to rethink your "philosophies" on life.

I'm just trying to kick some sense into what I don't want to understand.

I don't know, maybe you've convinced yourself that by you being weak, because perhaps you are just weak in general, you are making yourself stronger.

Well, stop twisting reality.

There's a better way to be selfless. Because the way that you're going about it helps no one and hurts yourself.

SO STOP.

Find another way. Sheesh.

You're insane, and you don't even know it. You just think that you've discovered the next level of selflessness, a level that 1% of the world never reaches. We choose not to reach that level, and rightfully so. Because we like our sanity.

I'm so angry with you that I want to make you snap. I want to see you for what you truly are. I can't see inside you with all the things you've buried inside yourself.

You don't choose to be alone, you just are? No one understands? No one can make your feel better? Well, you're not letting them. You're not helping. You've already sucked yourself so much into your own void that you're "certain" that no one else on this world is like you.

Do you honestly think you're that special???

Don't you see how arrogant that is?

10:07:04 PM but of course

10:07:15 PM the best way to do it is with someone listening

10:07:17 PM it's a tragedy

10:07:19 PM to be suffering

10:07:24 PM and not have anyone know about it

10:07:38 PM aka i'm here if you need it :]

For once, you're actually right... You are a fucking hypocrite.

And on a last, very important note: I'm not worrying about you. So don't go beating yourself up again about how much time it took for me to write this not about you, or how much energy I expended by thinking about you.

Don't be ridiculous. I"m merely rationalizing and thinking logically about how to help one of my best friends.

I love you.