First things first, I'd like to apologize in advance for the ridiculous amount of copying and pasting in this entry. You know that I copy and paste things from AIM when I don't have the time to paraphrase them properly for blog purposes =/. I'm sorry.

So. I figured that I should make an update about my nonexistent love life. No, wait -- that's worded wrong. I love life, and life has a lot of a love for me and around me. So I guess what I'm really referring to are my my romantic connections? My male relations? My current... obsessions? There ought to be a better word for this -- OH. Preoccupations. There you go. My current preoccupations.

Let me start from newest to oldest, I suppose.

1. Evan Wells.

Heart-wrenching, seemingly genuine public post. Friend request. Birthday videomail to entire buddy list. Guitar composition videomail to entire buddy list. Reply to both. Live videochat. Perverted request. Videomail request for Sex on Fire, acoustic. Reply to videomail. Reply to that videomail. Reply, "You're adorable." Reply, "You teaser." Reply, "I like you." Reply, "Really now?"

Ok, I have to admit that I've discovered I love the power trip. He's got a gorgeous face, great conversational skills, and he's a music major. And we got off on the horrible wrong foot when he asked me to send him a "videomail" with naughty intentions. I enjoyed blowing him off. Non-sexually, I mean, of course.

Since then, I have to admit that I've been enjoying his teasing. But the evolvement of our relationship is nothing new -- a common taste, a little correspondence, and then everything automatically progresses into a dirty man-action that makes me all exasperated. No wonder I'm ready to go virgin until I'm married lol. It just gets all the annoying physical nonsense out of the way. All these physical compliments don't get to me anymore.

Anyhow, I've been withholding my Facebook account from him, haha. I told him to send me a song in a videomail if he wanted me to friend him. I've gotta stop being so easy to please, you know? He hasn't sent one yet, but he's online on Tokbox right now, so hopefully I'm in for a nice delivery.

I do want to apologize to him though. Since he gave me the wrong first impression, I've been a bitch to him. But in the time that it's been taking him to respond to my last videomail, I've been looking him up on Twitter and Facebook, and he's beginning to redeem himself without even knowing. When his friend was troubled and angry, he commented saying, "Smiling is easier." His Twitter is new, and he updates his Facebook with mostly lyrics -- but it's through those lyrics that I'm beginning to know the kind of guy he is. I've known from the beginning that he loves Damien Rice -- the current song on his Twitter is Damien Rice's "Elephant," and I feel like it's a song about me... some of it at least, lol. I've also seen some amazing John Mayer tidbits. That did it.

I've looked through his pictures and videos, but there's not much to see. He's beginning to look less and less than the pedophile that I originally labelled him to be. He actually seems like a genuinely nice guy who knows he's good-looking and sometimes gets carried away with that, but it doesn't take long to bring him back to his gentle side. He's not attached to anyone yet (or anymore). I wonder why. A guy like him is whom I would be looking for in college. Yes, really.

Anyway, I'm writing this entry a million years after the fact. Everything I wanted to originally say has been washed away by time, and I'm upset because of that. I have no time to blog before everything escapes my mind.

2. Khoa Phan.

THIS KID IS BACK IN NEW YORK CITY.

He didn't even tell me until 12 hours before his flight. I was blown out of my mind and spazzed the whole night -- it truly seemed like God was sending me a pick-me-up for my monotonous hours of life. I was so happy he was coming back!

But... well, he called me once he got off the plane. I answered very enthusiastically, "HEYY! :D" And he said, "How do I get from LaGuardia to Columbus Circle?"

Haha. Great. >__>

So much for what Evan said to me after I told him about Khoa.

Evan Wells - 11:37pm: so you have your love affair flying in?

Rini Martinez - 11:37pm: Hahaa. He's already in the Bronx, 25 minutes away by bus lol. Scratch love affair lol. Friend.

Evan Wells - 11:37pm: right. i know i would fly to see my tokbox friend...

Rini Martinez - 11:38pm: lmaoo. I'm serious though lol.

Evan Wells - 11:38pm: yea. i was born at night but not last night.

Rini Martinez - 11:39pm: I've sooo heard that before haha.

Evan Wells - 11:39pm: omg no way. like totally.

Rini Martinez - 11:39pm: Nah, we have a strict friend vibe when we're together. I've definitely checked.

Evan Wells - 11:39pm: ok doke. where is he flying from?

Rini Martinez - 11:39pm: Oh noo, I don't talk to valley boys lmao, if you start talking like that haha. I mentioned he's from San Diego lol.

Evan Wells - 11:40pm: six hours, 300 dollars to come see a friend. hun you are blind. its ok, you can tell me, i'll back off

Rini Martinez - 11:40pm: lmfaoo. Blind to what?? We have a friend !vibe

Evan Wells - 11:40pm: his intentions versus the ones you may perceive

Rini Martinez - 11:41pm: lol. He's not trying to bag me if that's what you're implying haha

Evan Wells - 11:41pm: bag you? thats horrible. but i think he may want more than friends.

Rini Martinez - 11:41pm: That would be nice lol. I'll be able to figure out more now that he's back a second time xD. I'll... keep you updated xP

Evan Wells - 11:42pm: can't wait

Rini Martinez - 11:42pm: lmfao. I'll keep it in a very matter-of-fact way, so I won't kill you lol. Anyhow. Reply yet? haha

Evan Wells - 11:42pm: nope. i am gonna get goin. have fun. ttyl.

Rini Martinez - 11:43pm: Hahaa, good night.

So much for all of that. Khoa hasn't talked to me much, nor cared to plan something, nor answered my DB comments (which I'm not too worried about). But really. He seems to care a lot less than Evan suggested. Which I figured would be the case anyway. I just hope we can hang out at least once, like when Ivy's birthday celebration comes around. Or his birthday. Or the school play, lol. We'll have to see.

3. Giancarlo Martinez

Ahhh. Now, this one. I have to list a couple of discoveries that I made, that are quite... as Moleca said, "Uncanny." In case you need some refreshing, try looking at my September 21st edit on entry [*74*].

Crazy, isn't it? January 20 at 8:58 PM, my Facebook status was appropriately posted:

"It's strange how our deeply connected we were, and how even now, we still have the same exact thoughts. You should tell me. But only if it's me you meant to tell."

And then, before that... there was this.

I had a glimmer of hope it was about me. But his "four years ago" is two years off, and that's too much for a lie. I think. Maybe he was ruined before he ever met me. Well, as they said in P.S. I Love You, I feel like he's ruined me for all men too. In a way. But ahhh, I just can't believe that everything seems to be coming at once this time... because the next thing made for three discoveries in a row. How is that even possible?

Rini: I think it was someone before me.

Anne Marie Perez: idk

Anne Marie Perez: you never know

Rini: Exactly

Rini: Because I just checked his quotes

Rini: And he once recommended Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind to me

Rini: And we watched it together online, and talked about it afterward

Rini: And he showed me the poem

Rini: that the title is taken from

Rini: And I can't get over that he added a quote from it into his FB quotations

Rini: Though I don't know when he did it

Rini: But listen:

Rini: Published in 1717, Eloisa to Abelard is a poem by Alexander Pope (1688–1744). It is an Ovidian heroic epistle inspired by the 12th-century story of Héloïse's illicit love for, and secret marriage to, her teacher Pierre Abélard, perhaps the most popular teacher and philosopher in Paris, and the brutal vengeance her family exacts when they castrate him, even though the lovers had married.

Rini: Years later, she reads Abélard's Historia Calamitatum (History of my Misfortunes), originally a letter of consolation sent to a friend, and her passion for him reawakens. This leads to the exchange of four letters between them, in which they explore the nature of human and divine love in an effort to make sense of their personal tragedy, their incompatible male and female perspectives making the dialogue painful for both.

Rini: My line in my quotes has always been this: The virgin’s wish without her fears impart -- Excuse the blush, and pour out all the heart. Speed the soft intercourse from soul to soul And waft a sigh from Indus to the Pole.

Anne Marie Perez: that is beautiful

Rini: It's always been about him

Rini: Because of how much I opened up to him

Rini: And still remained a virgin, never kissed, never corrupted by him

Rini: Because we never actually spent time in person

Rini: Now listen. He has this in HIS quotations: "There stern religion quench'd th' unwilling flame, There died the best of passions, love and fame."

Rini: I'm so troubled right now. Because I don't know when he put that quote up.

Anne Marie Perez: dont dwell on it though

Rini: So damn long

Rini: I'm trying not to, but I always dwell on things

Anne Marie Perez: because at this point you have to let it be.

Anne Marie Perez: yes im aware you have the habit of dwelling

Anne Marie Perez: i've only known you for what...13 someodd years?

Rini: lol yes

Anne Marie Perez: idk

Anne Marie Perez: its great to know that you have the ability to fully love someone though

Rini: Ahhh, you are right

Anne Marie Perez: it's better to know you can love and fail then to never know love at all.

Rini: Mm, you're right.

Rini: It's just always been so hard for me to explain to people what GC and me had, because honestly, we never met in person.

Rini: People find it hard to believe that we fell in love, but we had this connection that I still can't shake.

Rini: I wrote about it in my New Years note from 2009, if you remember. The last paragraph was all about him

Anne Marie Perez: yeah i couldnt quite figure to who that was for

Rini: Yeahhh, it was for him =/

Rini: The connection was a lot deeper than a usual relationship that teenagers have at this time, because it HAD to be completely mental, psychological, and emotional since we never really met in person

Anne Marie Perez: exactly

Rini: I've totally been, like, ruined, because I still feel connected to him.

Anne Marie Perez: in some cases its so much harder to fully let yourself go when you know people in reality

Rini: lol, I agree, but that's not to saying that what we shared wasn't real lol

Rini: Because I know it was. But the connection scared him off, and that why nothing ever came of us

Anne Marie Perez: lol reality as in face to face would be the context haha

Rini: Haha yes

Rini: But for him to be saying things like this... it's like how I feel.

Rini: And it would suck SO MUCH if we really were talking about each other

Rini: And just never told each other

Rini: That would hurt me more than if I found out he was talking about someone else lol.

Anne Marie Perez: because to know that you have a connection but dont have the physical meeting is a frightening thought. you always have that idea that what if i dont live up to what i really am if i meet in person thing

Anne Marie Perez: scares off anyone.

Rini: Oh my god

Rini: No one's ever told it to me like that. You're absolutely right

Rini: I personally didn't have that fear. At least, not so much as to end the relationship

Rini: But what you said

Rini: Completely explains why HE stopped the relationship.

Rini: Oh Lordy lol. Well, I just want to blog about this so I can keep it on record, and then I'll let it go lol.

Anne Marie Perez: because in person. you have so many other factors to considering. so many things to let another person down

Anne Marie Perez: haha i wish i was capable of blogging

Rini: lol, You probably are XD

Rini: But it's like, I know I had something different with Giancarlo than other girls

Rini: Because like I said, we never spent time together in person

Rini: And GC is a very physical guy

Rini: He was a lot about sex and physical attraction and the like

Rini: But the fact that he had such a relationship with me like we had... and never touched me physically

Rini: like

Rini: I still feel like that screwed with his view of the world

Rini: Hence this note of him being so troubled.

Rini: But I don't think the number of years is right. Unless he got it wrong by accident.

Rini: I met him as a sophomore. So it shouldn't be right at all. Haha.

Rini: It's like all these factors I see versus than one fact of time. Which still pawns all those factors XD.

Anne Marie Perez: thats haunting. and its like...in his mind. i'm so physical and im laying out all my cards online. what were to happen if we meet. would i still be the same clear person or would i resord to my old ways

Rini: Yess

Rini: Well, I posted a note just in case lmao. It's crazy, because I wrote it back in September actually

Rini: [link edited out, sorry lol]

Rini: Just in case he needed a sign lol. If he's not even referring to me, then the note won't do any harm and will be just a way for me to get my feelings out lol.

Anne Marie Perez: lol for all he knows its about louis

Anne Marie Perez: god reference and all

Rini: But I wrote that little bit in September, and it practically matches what he said to that girl

-sigh- I said it back in that entry that I would let him go, but really, I just think I'm addicted to the longing. When has there been one time in my life when I liked (in that on-the-verge-of-loving kind of way) someone... and actually got them? Casey doesn't count, because I never loved him. But this "emo", depressing kind of longing for someone... I've lived it my entire life. Maybe that one day when this longing is fulfilled... well, maybe I won't know what to do with myself.

By the way, I made a Blogspot.. It's obviously more public than this one, so I'll only be posting things there that aren't as personal or closely related to other people than the entries I make on here. Oh, and Sitdiary, you're no longer an exclusively kept secret. Anne Marie's in on ya. And it serves her right, because she is my oldest friend after all. And besides, you need practice. I may be posting your link up on Facebook come college.

Fin for now.... I wonder if Evan's sent me a videomail yet.