can't believe SitD is back after all this time! I thought i had lost years of journaling and secrets to myself. this is the only place i ever kept a list of everyone i've slept with. tried to make a list from memory, that proved to be a challenge. mainly because half of my horizontal tangos are danced very intoxicated. those days have passed. i am 4 months sober and counting. feeling good, feeling great. a lot more motivated. feel like the smoke and powder has cleared from my brain, i can make a full sentence now. so much has happened in the last 2 years, i feel as if i have no idea where to begin. my ocd wants to start from the beginning but i know theres just too much. maybe i can back track instead. either way, musty is not dead. he is alive and well and as crazy as a fucker he ever was.

my paw paw is dead though. died in an atv accident almost 2 years ago. best way for him to go though, he loved stuff like that. and life goes on, sort of. my mom is frozen in time, possibly digressing. i feel as though she never made peace with him before he passed. as if she never felt like she had really made him proud yet. her manic depression and bipolar-ness make my fucking head spin. sometimes she seems like an alcoholic, sometimes she seems normal. most of the time she seems like shes slipping herself pills when no one is watching and justifying sadness and nothingness. she says she doesnt feel like shes worth anything. im at a loss for anything with her. i just take each good day she has as a blessing. its hard to endure this.

i live in charleston, south carolina now. big change from the desert i was in 2 years ago. moved here from Austin. everything has changed, i am a completely different person from the last time i wrote. i can barely recognize myself in past posts. is that me? i dont remember writing that. i cant believe how depressed i was in some points of my life. i never think like that anymore. why are we so sad as teenagers? i'd give anything to go back with what i know now. damn, life's funny like that. i try to remember that when i get bummed out now. i just remind myself i wont give a shit in a couple of months, prolly wont even remember that i was bummed out. relationships? suck. im only lonely when im with someone else.

im eating salt & vinegar chips. my greasy fingers smear across my laptop keyboard. they wont go fast enough, i have so much to say.

so many thoughts built up in my head over 2 years of no outlet, no way to get my words out there. to where i dont know but i always feel better with a collection of nonsense somewhere in cyber space. like, no one will ever read this. it doesnt matter if they do or not. i dont care, it just feels good to get it out there.

my brother has lost a ton of weight over this diary hiatus. he is my most prized memory, love, everything. i cant explain the unconditional love i have for him. i am so proud of everything he has accomplished so far in his life. he has come such a far way. he is a man now. he is a man now. have to say it twice because it is so surreal. he's responsible. he has a good job. he's smart. he has a new car. he has really pulled himself from the dark hole of adolesence to make something of himself. besides his crazy ridiculous tattoos, that kid's alright.

what about me? what am i doing? im always on a mission to find myself. each and every new person i meet helps me to discover another piece of myself. im always amazed to find out a new thing about myself. a boy, aaron wade, in Austin, helped me realize my spiritual beliefs. i am undoubtedly way too attached to the memory of him because of it. a post about god is no doubt, saved for another night. i am in south carolina. i transferred here with my hotel job. it works, it is what it is as far as the job goes. the beach is why im here. when i got off yesterday and just laid in the wet sand as i watched the tide roll in. the powerful sound of the ocean waves nearly takes my breath away. its incredible. the peacefulness of feeling like nothing at the edge of a body of water that encompasses THE WORLD. a seashell beneath my toes cracks and i am that seashell. we are one. its not hippie bullshit, new age anything, its fact. i close my eyes and drift away with the waves. i know i am where i belong, for now.

my life has taken me on so many adventures, i get so excited for the next one, i wanna start right now before i even experience the one im on. i remind myself everything is in good time. and since i havent done anything just yet, i obviously havent fulfilled my purpose of being here just yet. in south carolina that is.

long day at work, makes me hungry. its way past the time i should be eating but im doing it anyway. willpower? i'll start tomorrow.