the fact of the matter is, my mother has and always will be a drunk piece of shit. there are too many occasions to count where she has let me down terribly. once when dave and i were too young to stay at home alone, she left us at home with no dinner when my father was on a business trip. i tried to call her cell phone over and over because we were scared as young children will be at night alone. she didnt answer. my father drove five hours home and she was still no where to be found. finally we track her down. she was having an affair with some shady looking character with a mangy beard and holes in his shirt. she left us alone to go cheat on my father. then what about the time she was so drunk while driving me and dave to her house on one of her custody days that she choked me until i was coughing blood. only i was trapped in the backseat and couldnt escape. god stopped her then. or what about when she promised to help me study for my midterms at sullivan. and when i showed up at her house with all my books the night before the big day, she was so drunk she couldnt speak words, or read. so i leave hysterically crying and she says im overreacting. im about to fail my midterms you dumb bitch. of course im upset. and then i tried to kill myself the next day for feeling like a continuous failure to her. how about the fact that she never told me i was going to get my period, or how to deal with it. or how to shave my legs, or put my hair in a ponytail. i still dont wear makeup because i have no idea how it works. she didnt teach me to drive, she didnt comfort me when i lost my first love, she has never done anything. she has made countless plans with me only to never show up as i sit eagerly waiting for a lovely afternoon with my mother. she has said all the worse things one person could say to another to me. ive been in and out of therapy since i was ten to try to begin to understand what i did to her to deserve this. she is the cause for my deep rooted emotional and behavioral problems. one therapist said to me "an alcoholic will always play the victim." and since then its never been more true. so our most recent bout comes with my electricity being out for days and me having to count on her to be able to take a hot shower and watch the very last episode of my favorite tv show. a show ive dedicated every monday night to for two and a half months. she gets belligerently drunk and screams in my face for the first twenty minutes as i beg her to just stop yelling. shes just yelling "be quiet, we'll miss the show, shut up" just mocking me. the show has a million reruns, i was not upset about that. i could of caught it anytime in the next few days. what hurt me is the fact that she deliberately wanted to ruin it for me. she wanted me to feel miserable about missing it. she wanted to make me angry. it took everything in my heart not to slap the living shit out of her. i quietly gathered my things and on the way out i say "you've ruined most good things in my life and i hate you. i hate you." she doesnt care. she doesnt even call until today, a week and a day later to say who knows what. i answer the phone and say "dont call here anymore, no one wants to talk to you." of course she calls back and leaves a message saying "oh yah, try to make me feel like shit when you're mad over a stupid tv show." she doesnt fucking get it. fuck that show. im mad that she cant stay sober one fucking time to not make me want to kill her. she'll never understand that alcohol makes her a completely different person. one that i want nothing to do with. my whole life with her has been a constant reminder that she will continually ruin my life. well that will not stand anymore, i will cut her off. its the only thing that can be done. sometimes if someone you love is toxic, you have to let them go, even if it hurts.