for a long time everything wasn't very good. i would have fun and smile and laugh, but there was a hollow feeling inside me that was never being filled. so i would try many different things to satisfy it, but nothing had any lasting effect. i'm getting closer to being content. i know i can never fully or completely be what i would like to be, but i can be better than i was. i mean, there's still a lot of things that need to change, so if all goes well they should work themselves out. then again, there's still this part of me that wouldn't mind taking a bunch of pills and smoking a fat bowl and just slipping into a nice soft warm oblivion. i'm working on making that part go away, though i don't know if it will. i'm actually starting to not mind getting out of bed in the morning, so something has to be going right. i feel better than i've felt in a long time. better but not whole, but who wants to be complete, anyway? well, i wouldn't necessarily call whole and complete synonyms, they're close but far in some ways. i can definitely feel that my mind is in a different state. maybe it's just the soberness, but it's partly the other pills i think. i know there will come a day. when i can get into a steady working routine and start hanging out with more friends who don't get high all the time and when a few other things change, life will be better. i don't know, maybe it won't, it's gotta be somewhere though. i still don't know why i miss her though. i've barely known her. hopefully that feeling goes away, too.