I just spent the last half hour or so recording little voice messages on my phone with the voice recorder and playing them back to myself and I realized, not for the first time, how much I loathe the sound of my own voice. How can people even listen to me talk! I sound completely unlike what I imagine my own voice sounds like inside my head. Bah! Fuck this shit! I can't stop thinking about her! I miss her so much! Fuck! The first few days were easy but now it's hard. Everything is all crazy now and I want her to be laying next to be very bad. I know that she is having all this fun in Spain and probably isn't thinking about me as much as I am thinking about her, but when is she going to call? What if she didn't write down my cell number and can't call me? I just want to hear her voice and tell me anything. I need some reassurance because I'm feeling all weird now. I can't get to bed anymore because whenever I take the sleeping pills too many days in a row they make ugly dark circles under my eyes and I can barely look at myself, more so than usual, because it makes me look terrible. But I have so much trouble the first few days getting to bed without them. Then yesterday, or actually today when I think about it, I took a few drinks because I wanted to get to bed so bad so I figured the alcohol would help. This was at 7 in the morning. And I only had about 2 drinks but the Paxil makes it feel like about 4 or 5. I walked to Cash Wise to buy some cigs and buy the time I got there I was fucking DRUNK! Like more so than I had planned being. Then when I got home I fell asleep really easily but didn't wake up until 4 in the fucking afternoon! Wait. That was actually yesterday now. Shit! I can barely think straight! The alcohol makes me depressed but at the time it always seems like a grand idea. So today, or yesterday actually, I have been depressed and I hope it doesn't carry over to the next day. Shit! If we ever part I am going to be fucked so this better be the fucking real deal. Ah! I feel crazy right now! I'm not crazy! And the Earth is not a cold dead place! Bring me back! This! How can anyone love this! What is it I am not seeing?! What am I! A collection of ideas and presumptions! This is REAL. This is ME. Shit! I am not just a collection of data and characters and numerals in a binary system! I am a real boy! I have wavering thoughts of my own self-conception. This is not some game where I try to appear as a rash and absurd individual! This is actually what I am. What experiences and interpretations of things have caused me to evolve into this . . . this . . . manifestation of humanity? It has to be solipsism! Truly! Really! But how asinine! That is very unlikely, indeed. This? This is what she loves? Ha! Either the competition is exceptionally feeble or she,too, is irrational as I am!