just when a few things seem to be falling in place, when a few things seem to be perking up, things happen that just make you remember how completely inadequate you have been for your entire life, the way you have acted so incredibly undeserving in response to other people, and the absolute pathetic-ness and repulsiveness other people must get when they view you. i think of when i can just be happy to be me and i don't know if it will ever come. i think of all the mistakes and regrets i have made and they are almost overwhelming. i'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. i think of my life and i'm not pleased. i need to change. 'when you can love yourself then maybe love will follow you' that just may be an impossibility. and it makes me hurt pretty bad sometimes. every time i write a genuinely honest entry it makes me sound like a fucking depressed hopeless loser. i'm something to tolerate not welcome.