6:13 a.m. 1. inexperience 2. knowing more than i should 3. not knowing enough 4. people conveniently leaving out details. not trusting them in that you really don't want to know. curiosity kills me. 5. college shit 6. hopelessness in life/in people 7. cigarettes 8. living, dying, people being together and there still being two solitudes 9. the moon shining behind dark blue clouds 10. heads in the clouds 11. being normal 12. fear 13. growing up/older 14. saying the wrong things/thinking the wrong thoughts 15. self-consciousness 16. fuuuuck 17. redeemable qualities in myself 18. work 19. pills 20. not winning, but losing, only barely though (second place) 21. friends 22. eyes slowing adjusting to dim light/the sun going down 23. secrets, lots of secrets (and lies, too) 24. missed opportunities, missed chances, regrets, silly decisions (coulda woulda shoulda) 25. the cards dealt 26. just short of being good enough, or how to be better 27. fantasies 28. sleeping 26. girls and that type of shit 27. money 28. water 29. knowing what the emotion "cold" means, and feeling it physically inside yourself freezing your veins and brains (probably the worst emotion of them all, i didn't ever feel it until this year) 30. the fun i forgot to have or couldn't have 31. writing fucking stupid terrible whatevers 32. happiness 33. what the hell someone actually thinks about me 34. reading/books 35. thinking, "i wish that could have been me" 36. bad days turning good turning bad turning good again... etc 37. perceptiveness 38. people who aren't good at consoling when that's obviously what you're fucking looking for 39. being "the back up plan" 40. ugliness/unattractiveness in people, myself 41. hidden messages in.. a whole sort of different situations and things 42. simple beauties 43. laziness/apathy 44. so, did it feel good then, did you like it? 45. why? pertaining to almost everything. 46. being assertive/confident/strong 47. music 48. what this love thing is i've been hearing so much about 49. religion.. christianity.. invisible wizards/invisible sky fortresses.. being part of the "least trusted minority" 50. experience or lack thereof (good place to end) (things, situations, feelings, and the like that i either dwell on too much, find amusing, find sad, worry me, take up much of my thought process, make me want to be a different person, make me love myself, make me hate myself, make me constantly wonder about, etfuckingcetera...)