the life i would like to live can't be lived by me. instead, i'll just live the one i've received and try to make the best of it. or, you know, whatever i guess. how beautiful it could have been, though. the mild vicodin buzz makes me remember why i use to love not being sober so much. well, i still do love not being sober, but, at least for the time being (well not right now, but the general now), i am choosing to be sober because i think in the long run more harm than good was being done. and drugs are expensive. before, it was.. oh, i don't know, never mind, i can't explain it. umm.. it was a lot of very very low lows, and some really incredible high highs, but very little love of myself. sometimes i really just want to move to europe or south america and farm potatoes or carrots or something and and live a short but pleasantly carefree buzzed life intoxicated by cheap and/or illegally bought pharmaceuticals. but truly and honestly, what i would really want is to just fall deep in love with someone (how lame) that.. like, i have this picture in my head, this whole idea of what she would be, but i don't know if i can find her. i mean, i know she exists, but i'm not sure if i'll be able to capitalize on the moment that our two bumpy paths meet. or maybe, i wonder, if they already have, and i missed it, and now it's done. yeah i'm only 19.. way too early to settle down or any of that bullshit, but i'm just talking maybe two people sharing time under a sky or under a roof and not being afraid to say anything at all that's in one of their heads and being happy to be together even if they're not smiling all the time inside or on the outside. and it wouldn't even have to lead to marriage because i don't know if i even want that, well maybe but i don't know, especially not at this point in life, but just so i had met this person, that would be fine and would make me happier. or maybe i'll just find someone to fuck i have this desire to just tell someone everything that i'm thinking, or have thought, all my troubles and weaknesses, but i have this extreme fear of them, whoever it is, be it someone i've known, someone i know, or someone i will know, abandoning me, cutting me off, or actually just drastically viewing me in a different, worse light after hearing these things because they are dark, absurd, or even slightly disturbing. and this is one thing i fear that i don't see to be that irrational. i don't have the courage now or at least no one has said the right things that would make me feel comfortable telling them all the little deep, hard to speak thoughts from my head. i'm kinda scared to grow up, too. i still feel like a boy.