so. it's been a while hasn't it? well. hello my sitdiary friends. I have missed u. Life is ok, I guess. I haven't quite made up my mind yet as to whether or not this things is working with us being friends. And Biology is killing. I've been sick a lot lately, doc says it's allergies, real reason=stress. I'm not doing as well has I had hoped and lord knows that I am trying. But life goes on. Julie has been amazing. How could I live without that girl? No matter how angry or sad or depressed or tired or just fed up with the world I am she's always able too put a smile on my face. And I love her like the sister I've always wanted. Heather, GOD, what too say about Heather. I love that girl too death, but sometimes, you just gotta take a leep. She's helped me thru a lot and put me thru a lot at the same time. But we're good. and I love having her around. It's 11:04pm. I should have been asleep an hour ago. this is what happens when you drink too much mountain dew. anyways. Shannon! Now there is a girl. She amazes me, both with her kindness and her blondness. She is so much fun to be around and no offense Shannon, but sometimes make me feel not as blonde. LOL. Casey! We're close as ever. I love having a friend like that. Her b-day was today. I got her one of those bath and body kits. I hope she likes it and gets good use of it. I also gave her a big b-day hug. which she returned of course. Lesley is my girl. she's awsome. where as her randomness and silence on AIM can sometimes lead to weird topics and stupidness we always have a good time together. Sydney! She's the best. We have so many fun nights together even though she lives almost a country away. She's so funny. and she's such a great writer and does the most amazing job keeping me in my Nathen fix. and making fun of Frank, which is always good. Things with Brett and I are over. For good. he won't even say "hi" too me and I suspect that that's what u want. It hurts somedays. when I feel really down. to know that I can't just talk to him and that it'll be all be better. I used to trust him with my life and u ruined things. your selfish, but u won't listen so I guess things will always be like this. Kevin! UGH! I don't understand this kid 3/4 of the time, but like Lesley said. You can't stay mad at him for very long. He amazes me some days. He can always make me smile and he has no fucking clue how that makes me feel. Where as he can have his moments and his smartness can be a pain in the ass. He is still amazing, too me anyways. Jesse is the best. Always the best. No matter what, he always hugs me and makes me smile. No matter who's he around and I love that from him. He's the greatest. He gives the best hugs (not that Brandon doesn't). And I would trust him with my life. Lane, WOW! it's been almost 10 years buddy. I'm amazed. and he's still the best friend that I have ever had. I love him like the big brother I never got to have. He's always looking out for me, no matter what's going on. I would die for him and I know he would do the same for me. And I love that. He is the perfect guy friend and I only wish that he was there too talk more. Brandon, it has been 10 years. Your no longer the quiet one in the bunch. Where as he has his random moments and where he can be really stupid he still makes me smile and laugh. He drives me insane 3/4 of the time, but I honestly could not imagine going thru life without him. He is the best. I don't know who I'm not listing specifically, but this is too those of who I forgot. My lunch crew is awsome! You guys always make me laugh. Even skinny fat and sexy fat. You two are the best. The rest of you guys out there. I love you all. You have gotten me thru the best and the worst times of my life and I honestly could not imagine not having you around. I love you all. !Life! Thanksgiving was good. We went out too dinner and then to MeMe's. Then did the X-Mas decortaions. Syd and I stayed up until 6am VA time working on out newest story. And the X-Mas lights went up Sunday. Skool sux. But only b/c of Geometry and Biology. Geometry only so much because of I have a lot of make-up work and he hasen't really talked too me about it. But I'm working on it. Biology sux ass. But I am dealing. Barely, but I am. Poker has become a highlight of the weekends now. Those BOYZ are so much fun and I couldn't live without them either. They are AWSOME. We always have lots of fun. Even on the nights when they all lose too me. They said snow! but so far, nothing but a few fluries. It sux. I need snow. I always feel better when it snows. so I'm hoping it will soon because I really need to be feeling better now. I miss that life, but I'm hanging in there. Things are slowly coming into focus. I am hopeless at love and will never have a guy see me the way that I want him too. I will never be anything more than the girl who is always there when her guy friends need advice or the one that gives them presents and yet I don't expect anything in return. The simpliest little things that people in a relationship take for granted would be the world too me. Just knowing that someone loves me or cares about me that much. I would give anything too be more than what I am now. Because what I am now is killing me. I miss him. I miss his stupid jokes and his randomness. I miss the hair hanging in front of eyes and those stupid little randomness gifts he would give me. He always had a joke for me and was always willing to just sit there and play video games where we killed people if I needed him to. His phone was always on, and his sister was always there too yell at him and randomly say "hi" before chasing him down the hall with a brush. His parents were always there too talk and were often the only ones I thought were really looking out for me at times. I miss our conversations about the most random things, and our stupid little fights. His cd still plays in my stero every now and then. Pics of us as kids litter the pages of my photo albums. I still have those stickers that he gave me YEARS ago and they have never been stuck on anything. He's still my number one hero and will always be my little "brother". I miss how we used to take walks in the rain and even after I insisted that he stop drinking the Mountain Dew he would poor me another glass and say "What will it hurt?". Stargate marathons just aren't the same without us quoting lines and laughing at our own attempts to be like Jack. I wish we could still walk too each other's houses at 11 o'clock at night and sit outside and watch the stars. Those CB radios haven't been used since he's been gone. I remember saying "We'll always be friends forever Mom, I mean, I couldn't live without him." And hear I am living without him and I am trying to manage. Sometimes I just wish that I could show up at his house at 8 in the morning and eat breakfast with them and watch stupid cartoons. That we could blast his music for hours before being told to go do something productive, which led to hours of trampoline fights and board games. Throwing tennis balls up and down the stairs while the dog stared at his and his sister talked on the phone was never fun. I don't think there hasn't been a time now where I don't buy gummi-worms and I don't think about those long afternoon bike rides where we would end up at the store with hardly any money and the desire for sugar. We used to play hockey together, now my stick collects dust. We speant way too many nights infront of Rainbow Six games and N64's. Popcorn and chocolate milk just aren't as good together anymore. I miss his randomness in calling me just to tell me that Erin was bugging him and he needed some comapny. Beanie Babies and windows are not good combinations now thanks to us. And I don't think my parents have ever laughed so hard since those long nights of dinner and board games. I wonder he thinks the same things. And I wonder if he misses us as much as miss him. I can see him now telling me that everything will be okay and that I don't have anything too worry about. That I'll see him Saturday, bright and early and we'll play out our anger on Ghost Recon. I still his sister now a days, and sometimes I want too stop and ask her how his. But I smile and keep walking, we don't have any classes together so I don't get to hear about the family anymore. I miss his famly, they were my family too. Mom has invited them to the X-Mas party, it's on a Sunday, so if they come it'll be a suprise, but I sure hope they do. I miss Walter's jokes and Shari's complete interest in my life. I wonder sometimes what life would be like if he were still around. Probably not as bad as it is now. I haven't called his house ages, and yet he's on my speed-dial and I know it by heart anyways. I still haven't lost the pics that we took one of those cold winter days LONG ago, when we were still in elementary school. Pics of us with Nick and Kyle and the other members of the gang. They make me smile. To see those guys again. I still have the random video's that the three of us made one of those rainy summer days when we were probably 8 and I can still play out the play we wrote that summer. Even in the pictures of all us he still amazes me, because he was the best friend that I ever had. And yet, he's still here, but he's gone. I love him with all my heart, just like I would if he were my realy younger brother and I've never missed his stupidity and randomness than I do right now. Because lord only knows that I could use his jokes and his funny little pictures that he drew on the back of his math quizzes just to make me laugh. I miss him. And I hate that he's gone. Wow. I never knew that I could write that much about Jacob. GEEZE! anyways... I'm sick as hell so I should really be going too sleep now. So for now. Goodnight. <3 always Britt